Jaxon

I could not have imagined 5 years ago how madly I would love a tiny little boy. The moment  they put him in my arms for the first time my heart melted. I knew I would love him forever but now 5 years later I am overwhelmed with the amount of love I have for him.  Everyday I love him more!
So I am going to blog about the day I fell in love with my first born.
It was Wednesday May 16th 2007. My due date was May 9th so needless to say I was ready!!
We headed to the hospital because the Dr. had decided that I should be induced.
We spent the whole night with mild contractions and monitors on my belly. Early the next morning they started to pick up.
By 11 am they came to break my water.
Shortly after 1pm I was having what I thought were terrible contractions.
My nurse (who was sent from God to be there with me) wasn't so sure that I needed drugs. Although I tried to convince her otherwise. So as they always do, she came in to take my blood pressure. The cuff got tight and so I knew she was almost done. In a last ditch effort I asked one more time for pain killers. I remember it so clearly. She looked at me and smiled. She never released the air from the cuff and she started it again. IT WAS SQUEEZING ME SO HARD!! I wanted to scream.... Finally I said "OUCH!!!"
She very sweetly and calmly said " Sweetie, if that hurts more than the contractions then you don't need pain killers yet".
I wanted to cry but she was right. I didn't even realize what I could handle until I HAD to handle it.
I really do believe God gave me that specific nurse.
A few hours later I knew the pain she was talking about :)
I got an epidural and honestly, when it was time for me to have it, I wasn't sure I wanted it. BUT
against my gut I got it anyway and it was a good choice.
We quickly realized that I wasn't going to progress any further and at 5:00pm my Dr. came to say that I was heading to the OR for a c-section.
Everything is kind of a blur... I remember Dave watching me and watching them perform the surgery and back to me (so many times that the nurse thought he was dizzy and made him sit down).
At 5:49 pm I heard his sweet little cry ... Well, it wasn't so little! :)
They cleaned him off and showed him to me briefly. Jaxon was making some grunting noises that made them nervous. So he was quickly take to the NICU. I was taken to recovery. Dave was waiting for me there and we quickly agreed that I was fine and that it would be best for him to go to Jaxon.
My mom came to sit with me and I remember bawling that I just wanted my baby.
A short while later Dave came back and reassured me that Jaxon was just fine. They wanted to observe him but that apparently he was just a grunter ( those who know him well know he still is).
FINALLY, around 9pm they put him in my arms for the first time.

I was SO scared! Scared to be a mom, scared I would do something wrong. As a matter of fact I cried when Dave's mom and my mom went to leave. I told them they had to stay because I didn't know what I was doing.

And now here we are 5 years later. With that very same laughing, giggling, silly, grunting little boy and I am so madly in love.

Jaxon,

The day you were born I was so scared. God used you to teach me how to take confidence in the God of the Universe. Every night for A LOT of nights after you were born I would pray myself to sleep just repeating " God I trust You, God I trust You".
God used you to teach me how to trust Him more.
Daddy and I stood up before our church and promised to do our very best to teach you how to be a good godly man.
I know sometimes it seems like we are always on your case about obeying the first time you are told but Jaxon, we love you so much and we want you to understand the love of God and how He loves you so much more than even Mommy and Daddy do.
Jaxon~ We will love you forever and we are so excited to see where God leads you. We can't wait to see how God develops your sweet spirit and strong confidence.
I love you so much more than I could ever write.
Forever and Ever!!
Mommy

Secret Stress... No Friend to Me.

I have these thoughts that I have to get out before they quite literally kill me.
Many of you know that I have RA (rheumatiod arthritis).
It doesn't typically affect my day to day unless I get stressed out.
When I get stressed I get these horrible flare ups. So bad that it makes it difficult to do my everyday tasks.
Well I have a flare up now and truthfully I was like " I am not stressed out". Yes, there are plenty of changes going on in our lives but we asked for them. We are happy to be serving God and I just didn't understand because I didn't "feel" stress.
This morning as I was reheating the cherry pit pillow for the 3rd time since 4:30 this morning I realized something.
 See my stress has been my secret. Almost as if I was keeping it a secret from myself.
I really want our house to sell but I know God has it under control.
I want terribly to move closer to Dave's new job but I get the fact that we move in God's time not ours......
Here's when it smacked me in the face... I know all of that and I believe it.
I just hadn't given it to Him.
I know we need to sell the house but I haven't given God our house to sell.
It's as if I was holding it tightly in my hands going "ok God do what You want with it" but I wasn't letting it go.
It's ironic really.... the pain I am having is in my shoulder. It's as if God as a parent is kinda putting that little squeeze on my shoulder to guide me the way He wants me to go. As a mom I know that move too well.
:)
I smile at the idea that God is not just the guide in the sky He is real enough to lovingly guide me, even if that means a little discipline.  I don't think I have ever enjoyed discipline so much. My shoulder really hurts but it almost feels worth it when I realize that God loves me enough to come so close as to give me pain to teach me to be more like Him.

So when you want to secretly hold onto your world... just remember who you are fighting with.... He can't lose... I wouldn't want Him to.