How comfort has rocked my world....

I wonder sometimes if I am just saying the same things over and over just in different ways.

I think some are expecting me to write about our upcoming walk-a-thon but if you want details on that you can go here.

Although the walk-a-thon is coming up fast and very important, it isn't what I need to talk about.

Here it is...

I am sitting comfortably on my hand me down couch. We just finished a very filling dinner. My little boy is playing quietly on the floor with toys. My hubby is taking our working van to a graduation. This seems like such an average night at home BUT as I sit here I am humbled. I am blessed beyond measure and to be frank I feel sick. I am sick at the idea that I have so much. I hate the idea of starving people. I feel sick that today I had to throw away a zucchini because we didn't eat it fast enough. It literally turns my stomach that my 4 year old says "Mommy, I don't like this food". Now I know that he has no understanding that there are kids literally starving for his scraps. That actually makes me more sick because I haven't taught him that yet.

I feel terrible that I will be 28 in a few weeks and it has taken me this long to understand that God has called us to so much more.

I am just beginning to truly understand how HOLY God is.... How great and powerful He is and how much He doesn't need me but that He graciously wants to use me.

What do you think?

How long can I sit comfortable before the guilt consumes me?

I can't just sit back and do nothing but the steps I am taking just don't seem like enough.

Anyone else feel this way?

Waiting for Dad to get home.......Eek!

Have you had those days when you wake up in the morning and you know that TODAY you want to change things up? Maybe it's my personality. I don't like to just sit in normal. I wonder sometimes if its me running from me or running from facing my sins or failures. See if I have a day to just sit at home and relax I almost force something into the day.

I have learned in teaching a class that you have to ask a question and wait for an answer. Sometimes it has to get really quiet maybe even awkwardly quiet, so that the students have time to process thought.

This is kinda what I am talking about here. God (the teacher) has the question out there and instead of me sitting quietly to ponder the question, I fill my day full of noise so that I can't look and think about the question.

You may think I am crazy for not just enjoying a day off. Maybe I am.

So now the question is "What kind of questions is God asking, that have me so scared to listen"?

Truthfully, I haven't taken a lot of time to listen so I am not really sure. I just have this poking at my heart to evaluate my roles as wife, mother, daughter, friend and youth leader. This poking seems to have me consumed with guilt that I am either doing something wrong or its just time for me to grow and change a little more.... again.

The purpose of me being so out loud with this is accountability. I have had a great conversation with a dear friend about being real with our sin.

So here I am saying that I LOVE the God of the Universe. I trust Him completely. Sometimes when He is ready to make changes I feel it coming. LOL It's kinda like a kid who has gotten in trouble and mom says "just wait till dad gets home" Eek! So here I am waiting for Dad to get home. He is going to teach me and I know that He cannot allow me to have a sinful attitude so I will get discipline because He loves me enough to correct my wrong behavior.

It can be scary but I just want others to know that I am not gonna keep running. I am facing it head on today.

So..... pray for my fears

pray that I sit and listen

pray that God allows peace in my soul

pray that I take comfort in His timing.

Thanks for helping me live out loud.

My Plan....wanna give it a try?

I had an RA (rheumatoid arthritis) appointment today. GUH!

I am not too upset but a little disappointed.

I have been on a chemo therapy for almost 4 years now. It's not an extreme dose but still it's a CHEMO THERAPY!

So I have been trying my hardest to correct my RA with diet. I have found a few things that really help.

No Red Meat

No Peppers

No Eggplant

No White flour

No White Pasta

and new to the list has been...

No Sugar.

Well I have done pretty good on cutting back on the sugar, until this week.

So when I went to the Dr. he basically said I have 10 weeks to prove to him that I can correct my RA with diet.

He is pleased with my overall progress but it really needs to be significant in order for it to show up on the blood work.

So in 10 weeks I need to lose some weight, drop my sugar intake and have proof of lower inflammation in my blood work.

After ALL that.... he will lower my dosage again.

So here is the plan.

I am going to do this 7 day diet for R.A.

I am going to give it a try and see how it works. Anyone brave enough to try it with me?

HAHA its ok if you are not.

Just FYI this is not one of those fad weight loss diets( although you will lose weight) thats not the purpose of this. The purpose is to really give you a healthy cleansing diet for 7 days in hopes that you will feel the over all effects and change your life style as far as eating.

Seriously, no pressure but if you are willing or interested just let me know. ;)

Sad yet Blessed.

Ok so I want to take a few minutes to explain where we are at with all the adoption stuff.

I am going to try my hardest to do this without sobbing but to be honest I have been choking back tears for most of the day.

Last wednesday as I was spending my traditional afternoon with my sister Jess... my phone rang... I have songs assigned to specific people and the song was " Arms wide Open" by Creed. My heart jumped into my throat because I knew it was our SW. We talked for a few minutes and she explained some details of things that we needed to get together. Then she said "I have gone back and forth on whether I should tell you this or not but there is a birth mom and she has 4 profiles and you are one of them."

Our SW is so great! I can't say enough how much I love her. I believe with my WHOLE heart that God designed for her to work with us. She wouldn't give me any details about the birth mom or the baby. She was protecting me from getting too attached.

I thanked her for telling me. I explained that it was comforting to know that we were being looked at. It was a blessing to know that we are still moving in this process.

Today as I was working at the market Creed started playing on my phone again. My hands started to shake as I reached for my phone... knowing that this was either a yes or a no. I could tell instantly by her tone that it was a no. I was so thankful for her not telling me any of the details. Although this really stings it doesn't hurt quite as bad as it did last time when I was attached to a specific child.

So as I left the market I prayed "God I need some encouragement and I know my commute home is not long but please give me something to remind why I am doing this" and I kid you not this song came on the radio:

Here Goes by Bebo Norman

Never got anywhere
By running away
Never learned anything
Without a mistake

Never loved anyone
By playing it safe
It's a long way, but
I'm right here now, so

Here goes nothing
Here goes everything
Gotta reach for something
Or you'll fall for anything

Take a breath, take a step
What comes next
God only knows
But here goes

I don't wanna turn around
And wonder what happened
Never lost and never found
Are one and the same

I wanna run across the battle lines
And take my chances
Not the long way 'round
When I'm here right now

Here goes nothing
Here goes everything
Gotta reach for something
Or you'll fall for anything

Take a breath, take a step
What comes next
God only knows
But here goes

What good is chance not taken?
What good is life not living?
What good is love not given?

Here goes nothing
Here goes everything
Gotta reach for something
Or you'll fall for anything

Here goes nothing
Here goes everything
Gotta reach for something
Or you'll fall for anything

Take a breath, take a step
What comes next
God only knows
But here goes
And God only knows
But here goes

I love those Sovereign God moments when He knew EXACTLY what I needed to hear.

So to be frank.. I am sad. My heart hurts and I hate how this feels but every single one of these hurtful steps has brought me closer and closer to the heart of the God who created me and instilled this love for the fatherless in my heart. So yes I am sad but I am so blessed.