The infatuation of my life that lead me to the man of my dreams.

So I am going to try my hardest to write this blog as frankly as I possibly can without hiding the facts because I am or was ashamed of my behavior.

So I guess I should start this out like a story...
That might make it flow from my mind a little easier :)

Once upon a time there was a little girl.
OK thats gonna get old fast....
When I was about 10 I SWORE I had met the man I was going to marry!
As many little girls do I fell head over heels into this childish crush.
This young man was older than me and worked for my father. So I LOVED going to work with my Dad ;)
Well, my childhood crush quickly turned into a border line stalk fest when I was in my early teens.
I was certain that if he saw me, he would fall madly in love with me and we would ride off on his horse into the sun set and live happily ever after.  Awww sounds sweet right?

Well! When the reality that our age difference and the fact that I was really the only one attached to this idea hit... I was heart broken.  But I quickly brushed in off to what girl hasn't had her heart broken in Junior High.

Here is where it gets messy.

After my ( AWFUL) junior high years were gone I was wavering in my faith and was well lets just go with a tad rebellious *wink*.

See this guy that I had just fallen head over heels for, he was willing to look past my rebellious spirit.
He was one of the very few that had not just pegged me for a "bad kid" and was willing to look past the wall I was putting up and fight for me.

It was great to have someone who would just listen to me. Someone who wasn't afraid to stand up to me but was also willing to stand up for me.

Our friendship grew and all though I am certain I added a LOT of drama to his life we realized somewhere along the way that we had become friends.

It was great! He was still working for my Dad and I would spend hours with him at the store just talking and laughing or playing jokes on each other.

Talking about music or him helping me study as he rolled cinnamon rolls or waited for a pie to bake off.
He very truthfully was my best friend. I had lots of friends but this friendship was one of the ones that made me realize that not everything was about me ( thats a whole different blog).

It got bad when I took my childish feelings and attached them to this friendship.
See he had to love me right?
I mean we talked everyday.
We were each others secret keepers and we weren't afraid to be honest with each other.... thats what a dating relationship looks like right?

WOW~ What I can see now but could not see at 18 was that I was infatuated with the idea of the relationship.
I honestly thought if this wasn't Gods will someone would stop me right?
I mean the doors are supposed to slam closed and I am supposed to know for sure! BLACK AND WHITE..... YES OR NO!

This is the part that twists my stomach in knots just thinking about.
I was so convinced that this was the right thing to do that I was not listening to ANYONE!
People HAD told me!
I was so lost in my selfishness that I was unwilling to listen.
Situations had changed and doors nearly literally had been slammed closed but I knew what I wanted.
I was so unwilling to let go of this idea/relationship.

I can not even remember who but someone around that time told me that " I needed to let it go and if it came back it was meant to be but if it didn't then God had something better for me".

I can still remember how I felt. SICK! Like someone had just kicked me in the face. I couldn't possibly let this go. He was my best friend and that wasn't wrong so I could still hold onto it.
Convincing myself over and over that my feeling were normal and healthy and anything but SIN.

I wanted what I wanted and I wasn't going to let ANYONE talk me out of it.

Then I went to college and things got a little crazy.
This guy had moved onto a new venture in his life and was not spending as much time at my Dads store. I was away at college and we hardly ever saw each other let alone talked to each other.
You can read about my short yet life changing college experience here.

It wasn't to long after that, that my eyes were very clearly opened to my selfishness. God allowed me to wander so far away from Him that I was in a very dark place. God was so faithful that He kept shining a constant light for me. I grabbed hold of what I could and took off for the light.

God used some amazing friends and family to influence my life and EVERYTHING changed.
I was ready to let go of all of my past relationship and SO NERVOUS to move forward to another relationship BUT GOD had plans for me.

HE opened my eyes to the man of my dreams who had never wavered in his faithful friendship to me.
Now (BIG SMILE) depending on who you ask you will get 2 different stories. But I told Dave I was interest in him and he was all "umm I don't know" " maybe".
Which is fitting for his analytical personality.
But on May 3rd 2003 he brought me to the foot of the cross at BaYouCa and asked me to be his girlfriend. Dave had already asked my Dad without my knowledge and I was THRILLED.
I hadn't even realized that I had wanted a guy who would do that!

I prayed so hard that God would help me to keep my eyes WIDE OPEN. That I would by NO MEANS make this relationship about me.
God blessed!
Dave and I were engaged on Oct. 1st 2003 and pledged our love and commitment to each other in fronts of nearly 300 friends and family on March 6th 2004.

It has been a journey but I guess the point I am trying to make with all this is that if you want something bad enough you will convince yourself that its right. You will put blinders over your eyes and not let anyone convince you otherwise. My caution is that if you are a child of the King, He will not allow His children to live in sin. He will do WHATEVER it takes to teach His children.
But when you are obedient to Him, He will never leave you and give you the strength to face whatever it is that He puts in front of you.