Change of Plans.

So here it is.....

We are going to pursue an open adoption.

If I haven't explained this part of the adoption before please forgive me.

So when we decided to adopt with Bethany Christian Services we signed a contract saying that we would agree to a semi- open adoption meaning that we would send pictures and letters once a month until the Baby is one and then once a year after that. Semi- open can also include having an email address that is for just you and the Birth Mom.

The next level up is Open but it would mean once a year (maybe twice) we would meet in a public place with the Birth Mom. Open can have a really wide range from yearly visits to the extreme of her being your babysitter.

When we started this journey we were pretty set on the fact that we DID NOT want the Birth Mom involved very much. We were so certain that she would just make an already difficult situation worse.

This is when God stepped in and showed me how completely selfish I was being. I had painted her to be a villain. The reality is she is scared, lost and so in need of someone to show her the amazing and forgiving love of God. This hit me pretty hard. I am constantly talking about offering grace but here this situation has been in front of me for almost a year now and I have been so blind.

So, after talking with our SW she gave us a book to read and a video to watch. My life is changed! These Moms that I have pegged as monsters aren't at all. They love their Babies. They don't want to give them up. They want their children to have a great life. They want a family that will keep them safe and give them all the things they need. They want life for their children. She is not a monster or a villain. She is a scared, lonely Momma.

When I think of her that way it changes EVERYTHING. I want so badly to wrap my arms around her and tell her I love her. I want her to know she is loved. I want her to know that I PROMISE to do everything in my power to take care of the gift that she gave to me. I want her to know that she is a blessing and a treasure. I want so badly for her to know the consuming and amazing grace of my Savior.

I am not going to lie.... the idea is terrifying. But the idea of leaving this woman on her own scared out of her mind makes me sick. So I will face the fear. I will face the fear so that she can feel love.

All that to say...

Today we will tell our SW that we would like to change our adoption plan to open.

Pray with us.

I don't know yet what it will exactly look like. I won't know until the Birth Mom picks us and we meet.

What I know is that we serve a big BIG God Who is not limited by my fear.

Risky?

I am not even sure how to start this blog.

I guess let me start by saying... This life is not our own. Dave and I have been hugely convicted by that.

This summer God has started pressing on our hearts. Well, to be clear He has been for over a year now. But this summer He started showing us how selfish we really are. How we don't need all the things of this world.

I was very convicted that we as Americans live like kings and queens compared to others around the world. I was "smacked" in the face that these people are not just glimpses you catch on tv or the bum begging for money on the side of the road. They are hurting and need to know the love of God.

Up to this point we have not been able to help in any extraordinary ways. Mostly, because we have to support our life style. THAT is going to change.

This last week I cleaned out everything "extra" thing in this house. I did this for a few reasons. 1. We just don't need so much. Even with half my possessions I still live better than most people in Africa.

2. It will make it easier when we move.

We have decided to pack up our things and move to my Uncle's. This will free all of us up to be able to give more to those who are in need. This will open doors for us to be able to adopt again or give towards others who are adopting.

I know this sounds like we are going crazy. I know you could be reading this and thinking we are insane. I am not judging you. I was you just last year.

God did this! God brought us here. God isn't suggesting James 1:27.

He says TRUE christianity is taking care of the orphans and widows.

So I was faced with some very real questions.

Am I a real Christ follower?

And if I am, am I willing to take chances to bring Him glory?

So~ Here we are selling our house. Taking chances, for His glory.

What God is teaching me.... and a few other thoughts ;)

Have you ever just had that feeling that God is getting ready to rock your world like it's never been rocked before? Yikes!

It's scary. I am constantly urging others to come to the ledge and leap. JUMP into the faithful hands of our Father. I love it out here! What I wasn't expecting was to get out away from the ledge and have so many unknowns. Don't get me wrong... I still love it out here. There is so much peace in knowing that God doesn't need my help but He wants to use me. I love the fact that I don't have to fear because He is faithful and He has a plan for me.

The unknowns are intimidating. So tonight I sit on this cool evening taking stock, making plans, preparing my heart for what might come next.

I secretly am hoping that this "change" that God is preparing is our Baby. I am praying fervently that we will get a call soon. Every time my phone rings my heart skips a beat praying that it's our SW.

Our life has kinda been a little "nuts" the last 3 weeks.

First was TLC where God stunned me with yet again my selfishness.

Then we spent a week at BaYouCa (I co-lead a puppet workshop) and God floored me with how much He loves me and reminded me that I am a princess. Not just some random person but a chosen one.

Then we went to Kingdom Bound... This is when God reminded me that I am not alone. God showed me that the Body of Christ is huge and that I need to stop trying to do everything on my own.

I know this should all be "normal" stuff that I should know but the truth is I obviously forgot because God needed to remind me and man I am SO glad He did!

To use my earlier analogy... I think I was away from the ledge and content but looking back at the ledge and wondering if it would be safer on the ledge. The reality is that it probably is "safer" on the ledge... BUT that is NOT who I am. I (by God's Grace) am not the girl that sits back and lets others do it. I am the girl that runs 100% to the battle. So I am taking my eyes off that ledge and putting them back on my Heavenly Father.

Please pray because I am confident that satan will hate that. So in a sense I just strapped a target on my back. I am comfortable with that because I know that God will protect me, I just know that this means things could get ummm a little bumpy.

Please don't forget to pray for the BirthMom. I know her heart has to be breaking. Pray that God wraps His loving arms around her, even right now in this moment so that she knows she is not alone.

Thanks Friends! I couldn't do any of this without YOU!

LOVE from the heart!