We are going to pursue an open adoption.
If I haven't explained this part of the adoption before please forgive me.
So when we decided to adopt with Bethany Christian Services we signed a contract saying that we would agree to a semi- open adoption meaning that we would send pictures and letters once a month until the Baby is one and then once a year after that. Semi- open can also include having an email address that is for just you and the Birth Mom.
The next level up is Open but it would mean once a year (maybe twice) we would meet in a public place with the Birth Mom. Open can have a really wide range from yearly visits to the extreme of her being your babysitter.
When we started this journey we were pretty set on the fact that we DID NOT want the Birth Mom involved very much. We were so certain that she would just make an already difficult situation worse.
This is when God stepped in and showed me how completely selfish I was being. I had painted her to be a villain. The reality is she is scared, lost and so in need of someone to show her the amazing and forgiving love of God. This hit me pretty hard. I am constantly talking about offering grace but here this situation has been in front of me for almost a year now and I have been so blind.
So, after talking with our SW she gave us a book to read and a video to watch. My life is changed! These Moms that I have pegged as monsters aren't at all. They love their Babies. They don't want to give them up. They want their children to have a great life. They want a family that will keep them safe and give them all the things they need. They want life for their children. She is not a monster or a villain. She is a scared, lonely Momma.
When I think of her that way it changes EVERYTHING. I want so badly to wrap my arms around her and tell her I love her. I want her to know she is loved. I want her to know that I PROMISE to do everything in my power to take care of the gift that she gave to me. I want her to know that she is a blessing and a treasure. I want so badly for her to know the consuming and amazing grace of my Savior.
I am not going to lie.... the idea is terrifying. But the idea of leaving this woman on her own scared out of her mind makes me sick. So I will face the fear. I will face the fear so that she can feel love.
All that to say...
Today we will tell our SW that we would like to change our adoption plan to open.
Pray with us.
I don't know yet what it will exactly look like. I won't know until the Birth Mom picks us and we meet.
What I know is that we serve a big BIG God Who is not limited by my fear.
Wow. I will pray for you and for your family through this difficult time. Adoption is no easy task but it is a great one and I wish you the very best in this.
ReplyDeleteExciting! We are also pursuing an open adoption- no, people will not always understand. People want to villefy the birth mother or write her off as basically an incubator for our child. But my heart was opened too, and I just cannot imagine being in the delivery room, having someone hand me their child, and then writing them off forever. It took my husband and I awhile to find the middle ground- I was like I wanna be BFFs with the birthmom, shopping and hanging out at the park, he wanted visits to all be at the agency, etc. I think he was worried my relationship with her would take on a co-parenting relationship. We did have to hash out and set some boundaries, and I had to affirm with my husband that we will be the parenting team, not me and the birth mom. So now we are more settled on a level of openness, somewhere between where we both started. The only time we changed our opennesss was when being considered by a birth mom with some significant legal (crimimal ) problems. We wanted all contact to be through the agency, and all visits to be at the agency. That ended up not being the baby for us anyways, though :) Can't wait to keep following your journey!
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