Lonely Pain

There is this point in life when you are so alone that you just cry from the deepest part of your heart and you plead for God to hear you.

This deep heart cry often comes from the loss of a loved one. Being in church ministry for 8 years that is when I saw it most.
Every once in a while you would see it in the loss of plans or expectations that aren't met. Things like betrayal of trust or selfishness can also force you into this place.  All that to say I believe NO ONE can avoid this type of pain. At some point in your life you WILL feel this dark hurt.
And I think you have 2 choices when it comes to you....
A. Get angry and separate yourself from those near you. This is not a judgement this is EXACTLY what I have done. I don't think it's healthy but I do, unfortunately, think its normal.
or
B. Jesus. God. The Church. Faith. Grace. Peace. I know these just sound like nice words but what if they really work? Even being a pastor's wife these are still things I battle with. I get angry and I don't trust that this stuff will really work. I wish I was joking... I'm not. 

So here is the out loud part...
I know I have mentioned in the past that I have Rheumatoid Arthritis. What I haven't mentioned is the amount of pain I'm in. It is not abnormal for RA patients to live with a certain level of constant/chronic pain. It is also not abnormal for that pain to be worse/better when really nothing will have changed.
On a scale from 1-10. 1 (annoying pain) 10 ( worst pain I have ever felt)
I have been functioning at 6-8 for a few weeks now.
Besides my husband and a few select friends I haven't shared this info with anyone because, well frankly, I was choosing option A.  Like I said, its what I do. It seems more logical to push everyone out of my life and live in a world isolated and alone. Also, I don't want to be the person who whines about "their pain". I  would have to write a whole different blog about how people with chronic pain don't look like they are in pain, so people assume they aren't. Inside tip on that.... THEY ARE IN PAIN it just means either you are seeing them when the meds are working and it's the part of the day when they feel best OR they are acting. I have to tell you it is often the latter.
Recently, I had a great chat with a friend who is more mature than me and also lives with constant pain. Her thoughts brought me to a very broken but necessary place...
Jesus felt a lot of pain and although His pain only lasted a few days it was WAY worse than what I'm feeling and His pain accomplished something. So every time I throw a pity party for myself and my pain, every time I close myself off from people I am NOT being a good steward of the life God has given me.
That thought seemed so foreign to me. You mean I am supposed to be a good steward of the "bad" things in my life?
It gives new meaning to that verse James 1:2 "Consider it ALL joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials"
I do not pretend to have all the answers here. 
What I have decided is that I am going to beg God to remove this from my life and if that's not what He wants, then my prayer is that He shows me how to use it! 
People hurt EVERY DAY! Whether it's physical or emotional pain; I know now that hurt is something that people live with everyday and I'm sick of living in a state where I just ignore that others hurt. I want to be consumed with God and I want that to pour out of me by loving others. ALL others! 
So if you have some sort of constant pain ... I would encourage you to find someone to talk to. If you don't have someone, please message me... I would LOVE to chat, pray and encourage you.