Sad yet Blessed.

Ok so I want to take a few minutes to explain where we are at with all the adoption stuff.

I am going to try my hardest to do this without sobbing but to be honest I have been choking back tears for most of the day.

Last wednesday as I was spending my traditional afternoon with my sister Jess... my phone rang... I have songs assigned to specific people and the song was " Arms wide Open" by Creed. My heart jumped into my throat because I knew it was our SW. We talked for a few minutes and she explained some details of things that we needed to get together. Then she said "I have gone back and forth on whether I should tell you this or not but there is a birth mom and she has 4 profiles and you are one of them."

Our SW is so great! I can't say enough how much I love her. I believe with my WHOLE heart that God designed for her to work with us. She wouldn't give me any details about the birth mom or the baby. She was protecting me from getting too attached.

I thanked her for telling me. I explained that it was comforting to know that we were being looked at. It was a blessing to know that we are still moving in this process.

Today as I was working at the market Creed started playing on my phone again. My hands started to shake as I reached for my phone... knowing that this was either a yes or a no. I could tell instantly by her tone that it was a no. I was so thankful for her not telling me any of the details. Although this really stings it doesn't hurt quite as bad as it did last time when I was attached to a specific child.

So as I left the market I prayed "God I need some encouragement and I know my commute home is not long but please give me something to remind why I am doing this" and I kid you not this song came on the radio:

Here Goes by Bebo Norman

Never got anywhere
By running away
Never learned anything
Without a mistake

Never loved anyone
By playing it safe
It's a long way, but
I'm right here now, so

Here goes nothing
Here goes everything
Gotta reach for something
Or you'll fall for anything

Take a breath, take a step
What comes next
God only knows
But here goes

I don't wanna turn around
And wonder what happened
Never lost and never found
Are one and the same

I wanna run across the battle lines
And take my chances
Not the long way 'round
When I'm here right now

Here goes nothing
Here goes everything
Gotta reach for something
Or you'll fall for anything

Take a breath, take a step
What comes next
God only knows
But here goes

What good is chance not taken?
What good is life not living?
What good is love not given?

Here goes nothing
Here goes everything
Gotta reach for something
Or you'll fall for anything

Here goes nothing
Here goes everything
Gotta reach for something
Or you'll fall for anything

Take a breath, take a step
What comes next
God only knows
But here goes
And God only knows
But here goes

I love those Sovereign God moments when He knew EXACTLY what I needed to hear.

So to be frank.. I am sad. My heart hurts and I hate how this feels but every single one of these hurtful steps has brought me closer and closer to the heart of the God who created me and instilled this love for the fatherless in my heart. So yes I am sad but I am so blessed.