Maybe its all in how I look at it?

For my personal devotion time I use Word of Life's Online Quiet Time it really has been a huge blessing to me. At the end of every passage there is a commentary and some life step questions. These were this morning's questions:

LIFESTEP:

What seems bad in your life right now? Do you believe God is really going to use it for good? Will you commit to looking for the good now?

OH I was trumped! The study is in Jeremiah when 3,000 people were taken from Jerusalem to Babylon. False prophets had told them that they would not be there long but the reality was God had moved them for a reason.

So when trials come into my life.... do I believe the "false prophets" who are telling me that I have all the right in the world to be upset? OR do I trust the God of the Universe Who has brought situations in my life for a reason?

All of that made me think of a song called " The Blessing" by John Waller

In the last few days situations from my past have been brought to my attention. Things that I struggled with or insecurities I had have resurfaced.... To be honest , leaving me kinda shaken and a little bit bitter.

It seemed easy for me to recall the "old" feelings. Things I haven't had to deal with for years. That was actually the scary part. I hated how close they were to recall. I thought for sure I had buried all of that stuff.

Well, slapped in my face was the reality that I am not perfect! WHAT?! You're kidding right?! I am not perfect?

When did that happen? (haha *wink*)

I know that I am not perfect and I think sometimes we take ourselves too seriously.

I will admit that these "struggles/insecurities" of mine are something that need to be dealt with once and for all, but they DO NOT have to be as big of a drama as I often make them.

Here it is... Plain and Simple :

I make mistakes. God has used those mistakes to teach me and draw me closer to Him.

So these "struggles/insecurities" are not a curse! They are a blessing! I am thankful that God loves me enough to continue to teach me. Although the thought of being humbled does not leave me jumping for joy, it does get me a little excited to see what God is going to do next with me.

It's an adventure!

So my thought for today:

Take the trial, struggle or bitter feeling and look at it differently! Stop letting it beat you down and embrace it!

Make right with God what you must and trust Him that He has brought you to this place and time for a reason!

Ok and one more final thought!

If you go to the store today~ Look at your cash register operator's name tag... then ask them by name how they are doing today? Really, it makes them smile.... and makes you stop thinking so much about your problems and reminds you that others share this big BIG world!!

Its about to get real "out loud" in here!

My life this last year has been marked by change.

A desire to have God refine my life.

The process of purifying gold is really the best example and I am sure you have heard all the analogies.

All I keep thinking is that it has to get hot! REAL HOT! God literally has to burn away ALL of the impurities that keep us from looking more and more like Him.

What is so interesting is as a teenager I thought..." Why in the world would I put myself through that?".

I remember a specific sunday school class where I sat listening and thinking " No Thanks... I don't want to spend my life putting myself in situations where I could get hurt".

I accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior on January 17th 1991. I was eight.

At that point I totally understood my need to ask God to forgive my sins. I understood that He was the only One with the power to make my life clean. From 8 to 16 God was molding and shaping....harnessing my "envelope pushing" ideals and developing in me a heart for people.

From 8-16 some of you might remember I was a very interesting young lady (wink).

16-18 Not too many people know these were crisis years for me. At 16 I was trumped with the idea that true repentance means changing EVERYTHING in my life. It means (quite literally) laying everything I know down and walking to His arms.

I was so scared... I thought what I had loved so much couldn't be so bad, right?

God wouldn't take away the most important people in my life... right?

Between 16-18 ... My Grandfather ~who probably was the first person in my life to look right into my heart and soul and not run away scared. He was the first person (I felt) who fought for me. He was not scared of my "tough" shell. Thankfully (because my parents are amazing) I was able to spend 2 amazing weeks with him when I was 16. When I was 18 he died suddenly.

All of my relationships were changing. Friend after friend went away or we grew apart. Friends that I was certain would be life long. Relationships where I willingly gave my love away. I truly believed that these people I trusted so much would ALWAYS love me back ...right? Wrong! What I know now is that God was taking every single relationship in my life that I valued over my relationship with Him.

God was forcing ALL of these things out of my life so that I would come running to Him.

Well even after all of that ... apparently I wasn't ready...

In my 1st semester of college I was so scared and lost and felt all alone. I was 18 and everything I had ever gone to for comfort was gone.

I found myself in a couple of situations where I bought into the lies that suicide was an option. I even tried it once but quickly lost "courage" and got out of it. It was in THAT moment when I was very very scared, sitting on the cold bathroom floor of my dorm that God came and put His amazingly loving arms around me. HE gave me strength to realize that I needed to go home.

At home HE CHANGED MY LIFE!!!!

I laid it all down. I let it all go!

I forgave the hurts I had been carrying.

It was AMAZING! I was filled with so much peace. I ached to serve Him.

I wanted to do WHATEVER He asked of me! I wanted to go where He led me!

I FINALLY understood what my sunday school teacher was saying... I got it!

It hit me like a ton of bricks.

I was saved and I knew it... but I had never understood what God was saving me from and what He was saving me for.

So - That is why I am "out loud". I am not afraid to be honest because God wants honest.

Sure, the idea of bearing my soul for the whole world to see might seem intimidating, but I flash back to the hurt, the cold bathroom floor and the empty feelings. THEN I remember that I serve a God who took ALL of those feelings away from me.

HE TOOK THEM AWAY!! I don't feel empty, alone or sad!! I feel blessed beyond all measure!

This is my challenge~

If God moved in your life... be out loud! Feeling hurt, scared and alone is terrible and you could be the person that God uses to impact someone else so that they don't have to feel hurt, scared and alone.

And if you feel hurt, scared and alone... please know this... it doesn't have to be this way. I understand the ache of walking away from all you "know" but this is so much better. Put it down and walk away , the Loving Arms of a HUGE God are open for you to come running into.

God,

You transformed my life. I know sometimes I am tired of the day to day Mommy stuff and I forget to be thankful but Lord... I could not be more thankful! You took a lost scared little girl and transformed her to a woman who is madly in love with You. Lord, I want nothing but to please You. Lord, help me to be out loud for You. To boast only in YOUR grace. Thanks for loving me....Amen.

An update and remembering where we were a year ago!

Well a week ago right now I was being rolled into recovery.

I had a successful gallbladder removal.

For those of you who don't know....

Your gallbladder is supposed to be a greeny, blue color. The Dr. was amazed that mine was BRIGHT RED. It was filled with gall stones and scar tissue but amazingly not infected.

As I think about that I am not amazed at all really because my Outstandingly Amazing God knew that my body could not handle that kind of infection. See I have RA and it's an immune system disease. I take a medicine that suppresses my immune system and my body would have NEVER been able to fight an infection of that magnitude. Hmmm that makes me smile.

My fear consumed me and my Savior protected me!

So we are settling into a routine. Mommy has been out of commission and not able to do her "normal" jobs. The love of my life has stepped in and not only done all his regular stuff but mine too! He has been amazing. I adore him! Thanks Baby!

Ok so we are getting ready for our yearly Winter Retreat and I found this picture from last winter.

To explain. Our teens needed to work together to make a snow sculpture. There were a few teams and I was the judge. Well, this group made "me". They put my hat on it and I often say "yeah" which is why the sign is there. BUT my favorite part is the stroller with the tiny baby snowman in it. They were playing on my emotions because last year at this time we were waiting. It THRILLS me that this year that image of what was going to be in our life is ACTUALLY here!

Dawson is such a blessing! He is an amazing little boy. Jaxon and Dawson have already connected! Dawson lights up as soon as he hears Jaxon's voice! These are the things I dreamed of!

So to the team that made this sculpture... Thank you!

Out on the ledge comes with surgery?????

Ugh~

So to be clear I don't even want to be writing all these thoughts down but they are fighting to get out so here it goes...

Out on the ledge is a scary place to be. Out on the ledge you are at serious risk.

Don't get me wrong, the blessings are AMAZING!! Better then I could have ever dreamed for myself.

But here we are out on the ledge saying that we will trust God with EVERYTHING!

And He decides that this is a great opportunity to prove how much I trust Him by having me under-go gallbladder surgery.

Now some of you are thinking " Jeanne, Relax! Gallbladder surgery is no big deal" ... I know I know! Even still I am terrified! Probably the most scared I have been in my life.

My imagination is probably the worst part of it. I imagine the worst possible things!

UGH!!

So please pray. Pray that God grants me peace. Pray that I don't lose focus. Pray that I remember He is the God of the Universe and has TOTAL power and control and what will be, will be.

I do trust Him.

Lord,

You are my strength when I am weak. You know what my future holds and You have it all under control. Help me to trust in that. Lord, You are amazing and huge. YOU hold the tiniest details together and I am so thankful to call You Father. Lord, send Your amazing hand of comfort on these shaking, sobbing shoulders because my human, weak mind is running away with me. Lord, You have power over all things and I need You to take power over my weakness which is my imagination.

Lord, I am taking comfort in You.

Amen.