A desire to have God refine my life.
The process of purifying gold is really the best example and I am sure you have heard all the analogies.
All I keep thinking is that it has to get hot! REAL HOT! God literally has to burn away ALL of the impurities that keep us from looking more and more like Him.
What is so interesting is as a teenager I thought..." Why in the world would I put myself through that?".
I remember a specific sunday school class where I sat listening and thinking " No Thanks... I don't want to spend my life putting myself in situations where I could get hurt".
I accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior on January 17th 1991. I was eight.
At that point I totally understood my need to ask God to forgive my sins. I understood that He was the only One with the power to make my life clean. From 8 to 16 God was molding and shaping....harnessing my "envelope pushing" ideals and developing in me a heart for people.
From 8-16 some of you might remember I was a very interesting young lady (wink).
16-18 Not too many people know these were crisis years for me. At 16 I was trumped with the idea that true repentance means changing EVERYTHING in my life. It means (quite literally) laying everything I know down and walking to His arms.
I was so scared... I thought what I had loved so much couldn't be so bad, right?
God wouldn't take away the most important people in my life... right?
Between 16-18 ... My Grandfather ~who probably was the first person in my life to look right into my heart and soul and not run away scared. He was the first person (I felt) who fought for me. He was not scared of my "tough" shell. Thankfully (because my parents are amazing) I was able to spend 2 amazing weeks with him when I was 16. When I was 18 he died suddenly.
All of my relationships were changing. Friend after friend went away or we grew apart. Friends that I was certain would be life long. Relationships where I willingly gave my love away. I truly believed that these people I trusted so much would ALWAYS love me back ...right? Wrong! What I know now is that God was taking every single relationship in my life that I valued over my relationship with Him.
God was forcing ALL of these things out of my life so that I would come running to Him.
Well even after all of that ... apparently I wasn't ready...
In my 1st semester of college I was so scared and lost and felt all alone. I was 18 and everything I had ever gone to for comfort was gone.
I found myself in a couple of situations where I bought into the lies that suicide was an option. I even tried it once but quickly lost "courage" and got out of it. It was in THAT moment when I was very very scared, sitting on the cold bathroom floor of my dorm that God came and put His amazingly loving arms around me. HE gave me strength to realize that I needed to go home.
At home HE CHANGED MY LIFE!!!!
I laid it all down. I let it all go!
I forgave the hurts I had been carrying.
It was AMAZING! I was filled with so much peace. I ached to serve Him.
I wanted to do WHATEVER He asked of me! I wanted to go where He led me!
I FINALLY understood what my sunday school teacher was saying... I got it!
It hit me like a ton of bricks.
I was saved and I knew it... but I had never understood what God was saving me from and what He was saving me for.
So - That is why I am "out loud". I am not afraid to be honest because God wants honest.
Sure, the idea of bearing my soul for the whole world to see might seem intimidating, but I flash back to the hurt, the cold bathroom floor and the empty feelings. THEN I remember that I serve a God who took ALL of those feelings away from me.
HE TOOK THEM AWAY!! I don't feel empty, alone or sad!! I feel blessed beyond all measure!
This is my challenge~
If God moved in your life... be out loud! Feeling hurt, scared and alone is terrible and you could be the person that God uses to impact someone else so that they don't have to feel hurt, scared and alone.
And if you feel hurt, scared and alone... please know this... it doesn't have to be this way. I understand the ache of walking away from all you "know" but this is so much better. Put it down and walk away , the Loving Arms of a HUGE God are open for you to come running into.
God,
You transformed my life. I know sometimes I am tired of the day to day Mommy stuff and I forget to be thankful but Lord... I could not be more thankful! You took a lost scared little girl and transformed her to a woman who is madly in love with You. Lord, I want nothing but to please You. Lord, help me to be out loud for You. To boast only in YOUR grace. Thanks for loving me....Amen.
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