It's when I think I have it all together that it seems my world falls apart. Maybe it's my own fault maybe I got proud or arrogant.
Let me back up. We started figuring out how much money we needed towards the adoption and after our tax returns we were SET!! We didn't need any more!!
My heart truly jumped. I felt so blessed and knew that this was just us one step closer to our Baby.
Then.... tuesday morning
It is never good when they have to come take the car out of your driveway. I had to take pictures because Jaxon was in his glory. He thought the big truck was so great. Little did he know it was not a good thing. But in the mind of an almost 4 year old this was pretty cool.
So... wednesday we got a call from the car place and it's the transmission. It has to be replaced.
My heart broke... I knew that we would have to use out tax returns to fix the car... therefore we were taking our very first step back away from our Baby.
Even now I hate it. I am mad and I don't really understand.
I know that we serve a just, amazing God but I DO NOT know what He is doing.
I DO know that God has not left us. I KNOW that His heart is for the fatherless. I know He has brought us to this place and I know that He isn't going to leave us.
My small human mind cannot grasp what is happening.
So here is a broken hearted prayer:
Oh God,
I don't understand. I don't get it!
I really was hoping to have all the money for the adoption.
I am thankful that you haven't left us. I just wish I could better understand what You are doing.
I am fighting the feeling that all hope is lost.
Lord, please come wrap Your strong faithful arms around this little family.
Our hearts are breaking.
Lord, I never wanted to take steps away from our Baby. Please allow me some sort of comfort because I truly don't understand.
Father, please come and show Yourself mighty. Please be our strength.
Lord,
please forgive me for my selfishness. I am so sorry that I thought we had it all together. Thank You for loving me even when I screw things up. Thank You for teaching me to be humble.
I love You!
Jeanne, I hear ya! I was going through similar circumstances this week too in that I thought I had it all figured out. Then God made us take a step back and truly realize that we are completely relying on Him and nothing that happens to us or for us is any of our own doing. He is the One that provides for us - the ONLY ONE. I've been thinking about you and praying for you this week - not knowing any of this. One thing that kept coming to me is that maybe the waiting is simply because your little baby bundle of joy is not born yet. Love ya and praying for you! God will work it out for His glory - I promise!
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