Humbled.

Things are coming together.

I'm starting to see Dawson's room take shape and personality.

I am sorting clothes and packing things that we will need to take.

Making plans for the week we will be away.

All the time feeling so humbled.

Like I am getting a gift I don't deserve.

I know people say all the time that adoption is an example of Christ taking us into His family.

I totally agree with that. I just think there is so much more.

See God sent His only Son for us. He sent this precious Gift. Something that even if I had all the money in the world I could not repay Him for.

As a child of the King I understood the concept but as a Mom adopting I FEEL it.

I am accepting something from her that I could NEVER repay her for. Although I would LOVE to, there is nothing I can do to repay her. Here is the joy, I can show my love to my Savior by advocating on His behalf. I can live my life as an example of His amazing love. I can share His love with others.

The same is true of the Birth Mom. I can advocate for her. I can live my life as an example to people. She is not a monster but an amazing woman who wants only to do the right thing.

Anyway maybe this doesn't make sense to anyone else, but adoption will change how you look at your WHOLE life.

God has to bring me closer to Him and "the name"

I have been so consumed by all the babyness of it all that I haven't had a chance to just sit and process things out... hence why I haven't blogged.

Also, adoption is a journey and it WILL change your life. It's interesting because some of the things that it's changing have really nothing to do with adoption.

So forgive this little rant about how God is changing my heart and THEN I will tell you his name. If you can't wait just scroll down to the bottom :)

Ok, in high school I had a HUGE problem with gossip. I mean, what high school girl doesn't?But in college I was STRUCK with how dangerous my tongue can be. At that moment in my life I changed. I had a moment with God where I prayed for strength and He came close to brush off my rough edges.

I have been "clean" of the gossiping addiction ever since. But recently God has just shown me areas where maybe I am not gossiping but I am involved on the outskirts. It makes me feel sick. SERIOUSLY SICK! God has yet again trumped me. He made it clear that I am feeding my addiction via other peoples drama. UGH!! NO!! I threw the gossip addiction away in college and I am not about to let it slowly creep back into my life.

I HATE GOSSIP. If we have something to say we don't bathe it in prayer requests... we go to the source. We need to stop hiding behind weak insecurities and make the situation better.... or better yet stay out of it all together. I am pretty sure life has enough drama of its own, we don't really need anyone else's.

Ok I know that has nothing to do with adoption but it does. See when you go out on the ledge and tell God that you are willing to do whatever it takes..... It takes Him brushing, scraping and peeling away all the things that keep you farther from Him. And I am telling you right now, when you are adopting you HAVE to draw closer to Him. Without Him this journey would be impossible.

OK~ so please understand that this is how God is working on my heart. I smile to think He isn't done working on me yet.

Now you want to know the name right?.....

Ok~

DAWSON WADE!

We picked Dawson it means "Son of David"

The Birth Mom picked Wade which means " Able to go"

We are so excited to be at this point! We are doing his room and naming him. Now my arms just ache to hold him. I can't wait to kiss his face and tell him he is SO SO SO very loved.

The Day My Life Changed Forever!

I don't even know how to begin writing to explain my feelings.
Sept. 14th 12:51pm
I was sitting on the couch.
Laughing at the fact that Jaxon wouldn't let Dave come upstairs until he had cleaned his toys up. He wanted Daddy to see things all cleaned up. ( That's my boy!!)
I had set a "special" ringtone for our SW.
Jaxon had made a trip back to his room and Dave was standing on the landing.
My phone rang and I shreeked " Dave it's her!!"
Even as I write this tears are burning in my eyes.
Our SW is one of my most favorite people in the world. She said " Jeanne, How is your day going?" I was like " umm good "(HEART POUNDING) Trying to be polite I asked how her day was, not really expecting her to answer.... she did! Finally, I was like "OK OK JUST TELL ME".
She laughed and said " Are you sitting down? She picked you guys!"
We both squealed in excitement.
At this point Dave was sitting next to me on the couch and we could hardly contain ourselves. Our SW gave us a brief explanation of what would happen next. Most of that is a blur.
We made about 101 phone calls to friends and family.
These are the facts:
Our family of 3 is now a family of 4!!
The Birth Mom is due Oct 16th.
Our Little Boy is healthy and growing normally.
So literally 1 month from today!!
1 MONTH!!
That doesn't even seem possible!!
I wish I had more details. I can't WAIT to post pictures!!
Continue to pray.
We will have to spend a week in NJ after he is born.
EEEEEKKKKK!!!
Our SON IS COMING HOME!!!!!!
I can't even begin to explain the excitement!!
Everyday it sinks in a little more.

Lord,
THANK YOU!!
You have been working on me for so long. You and I we have been on this long journey of trust.
Lord, I am so sorry that I ever questioned You. You have spent the last year taking off the things in my life that aren't pleasing to You. Although I am so certain that You aren't done yet, thank You for giving me the desire of my heart. Thank You for the blessing that the Birth Mom and this new Baby Boy will be in our lives. Lord, Thank You for picking us for this journey. Lord, I look back at my life a year ago and I am so ashamed at how selfish I have been. Lord, Thank You for making me see that there is so much more to this life than my needs. Lord, I am so glad to be called Your child! Thank You for letting me take comfort in You. You are so faithful and I am humbly coming before You with just gratitude.
Thank You Father. I love YOU!!
Amen.

Wide Awake.

It's 4:22 AM!!

Those of you who know me, are laughing at the idea of me being awake at this hour. I have actually been wide awake for about an hour now. Not sure whats going on.

I woke up after a nightmare, just to lay here (at first) in fear.

I went and checked in on my little kiddo. Pulled his blanket up over his shoulders and just watched him for a few minutes. Lately, I have just been breathing him in. Enjoying the times that he will sit with me and cuddle (VERY RARE). He is always on the move!

Then I grabbed the laptop and snuggled back into bed.

I am not sure why I am awake. I often wake up a few times a night. This has been going on for a while now. As a matter of fact I went back to when I first mentioned these feelings and you can read it here. So anyway, its pretty common for me to wake up and feel overwhelmed or just long to be up making a bottle. But this time feels different. I am not sure if it's because I know what's hanging in the balance or if God has me awake to notice something or learn something. It could be ALL these things I suppose.

Lord,

I am not sure why I am wide awake. I know that these last few days have been a test of my faith and patience. I know You are working in my heart to make me more like You, and I am thankful. Lord, I am confident in You. When this world around me seems so unsteady I take comfort in Your rock solid right hand. I am thankful to be called Your child. Lord, we want nothing more than to bring honor and glory to Your Name. We want to be a light for You. Lord, thank You for the blessings in our lives. Thank YOU for bringing us to this place and teaching us. Thank You for not giving up on this weary soul.

Lord, this is my request, You know my heart. For this child we have prayed... Lord please hear our prayers. Please bring our Baby home soon. Lord, I love You and this life is Yours to do with what You will. No matter the outcome we are still gonna serve You.

Lovingly....Amen

OK here goes...

So we got up early and got Jaxon ready for school.

We all ate breakfast and headed out.

LOL HAHA!

I know you don't want a play by play of the day so I will get right to the appointment.

Here it goes~

We walked into the meeting with a HUGE amount of peace.

I am confident that is because of all the prayers being sent up on our behalf.

We walked in and she stood and spread out her arms to hug me before I could even hug her.

This made me smile!

SHE IS GREAT!!!!!!

She had a list of questions and so conversation just flowed. She and I talked as if we were old friends. She told us a lot about her and her past. She explained what brought her to this place in her life. But for the child's sake we have decided not to really talk about that much until we have more details on whether we will get the child or if we do get him maybe wait until the child is older and can decide what he wants to tell people.

Oh did you catch the he?

Yes, Its a boy!

He is perfectly healthy and progressing along nicely.

We walked out of the meeting confident that we had said and done everything to help her capture who we really are.

So, I have decided if she picks us GREAT!! If not I have no regrets. She was a joy to spend some time with and God opened my heart to her and her situation.

After we walked out of the room her SW came out and we chatted for a bit. She said we should know within a couple of days.

Eeeek!

So all those prayers that you sent out on our behalf.... DON'T STOP!

The Birth Mom has a tough choice to make. I don't envy the position she is in at all.

We did briefly see the other couple and they looked really nice. Polar opposites of Dave and I.

So we shall see...

I really wish I had more to tell you.

All I can say for certain is that she is great and God really calmed our nerves. So thank you for your prayers & your encouragement. We'll keep you posted!

Life Changing News

Ok let me start at the beginning of this rainy september day.

I woke up this morning and couldn't find my phone. RAH! I thought... great, just great!

We were buzzing around the house trying to get things organized before we headed to Utica to see Dave's sister. I am quickly trying to make a dessert and find my phone and get everything organized. The whole time this pressing feeling on me that I desperately want to hold my Baby. I even wrote a quick note to a few friends this morning asking them to pray for my heart. Pray that God would somehow offer me some peace today.

We headed out to Utica. (without my phone). At around 11:30 I was playing with Jaxon and Dave says "ummm honey, our SW just called and she needs to talk to us".

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!! (that is what my heart did)

This is when it gets a little tricky. For some reason or another Dave had gotten the message from our SW but it hadn't brought in her number. Her number was on my phone which was MIA.

We panicked ok alright I panicked! Dave held it together perfectly. I had my Mom and Dad driving to church and turning my house upside down and then he remember that she had called him last week. So after about 20 minutes (felt like 8 HOURS) we gave her a call back............................

She said " A birth mom in NJ has had your profile for a few weeks now. She is really interested in you and another couple. She would like you to come on Wednesday to NJ to meet her. Is that something you would be interested in doing?"

We said YES!!

So Wednesday after dropping Jaxon off at his very first day of pre-school, we will make the 3 1/2 hour drive to NJ to meet the woman who will change our lives forever. No matter her choice we will walk away from this situation "new" people. She will impact our hearts forever.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PRAY WITH US.

Pray that God gives us peace as we get things together.

Pray that we trust God 100% for how things turn out.

Pray for our hearts and the hearts of the other couple. Something that has hit me today is that if she picks us, that other Mom will be heart broken. Pray for her.

Pray for the Birth Mom. Pray that God grabs a hold of her heart and she is given extreme peace with her choice.

And this last one is for me.

Those of you who know me well, know that I struggle with insecurities. Pray that I don't fret over how I look or what she thinks of me. Pray that I can just be consumed with the love of God and do nothing but pour that out on her.

Ok so for now that's all I've got.

I wish I had details and maybe after talking to our SW I will know a little bit more.

All I can do is just BEG that you take our little family before the throne.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!

Pray that I don't get too excited. It might be late for that....on second thought pray that God will protect my heart.