Where have I been?

Where have I been?

Most times I am not even sure how to start a blog but today as I sat down at the computer those words popped into my head.

I have not been away physically but mentally I have.

I moved my heart away from everything because I was so so scared that it would be hurt again.

This West Virginia situation wasn't supposed to hurt so bad.

I think it surprised me. I believe that instead of sitting down and thinking logically through the situation after it happened... I just packed up my heart and headed for the hills. It's funny as if the love of God could not find it.

So God has been seeking me.

Reminding me.

Teaching me.

That is where I have been.

I don't know how many times my heart can break for a Baby that I don't even know.

I don't know how many times I can scream out to the God of the universe begging for Him to bring our child home.

I don't know how many times it will take but it's a price worth paying.

I will keep pursuing the God we serve, I will keep doing everything I can for the Orphans and Widows.

I will keep telling people how real this really is and how desperately these people need to be loved. I will love as many of them as I can. Because this is where God has brought me.

I don't know when our Baby will come.

I know how badly my heart aches for them.

I don't know God's plan.

I know He is faithful.

While I wait...

I am going to continue to hold everything I am up to the God of the universe and trust Him with it.

Prayer:

God,

I love You. I love You. I love You.

I am so scared.

I don't know what else to say. My heart is breaking for my child.

I have so many questions for You.

Are they safe?

Are they healthy?

When are they coming?

I know You are asking me to wait but God I am literally sobbing asking You to please not make me wait long.

My heart hurts in a way that I never thought it would. I didn't expect to fall in love with a child I have never met or even seen. But Lord i am !

I am so in love.

Lord, I trust You. I love You.

I know You are moving in Your time.

Lord, thank You for showing us the truth of James 1:27. THANK YOU!

Thank You for laying this on our hearts.

We want to serve You. We want Your name to be lifted high.

Lord, I love You.

Amen.

Update on the Update!

This is the update:

Ok so hopefully you are up to date on where we are at.

If not you can read through my older blog posts.

Ok so my Uncle called me this morning and gave me the phone number of the lady I needed to contact at the Crisis Pregnancy Center (CPC). So I quickly got off the phone with him and began dialing the number!!

The Lady's name is Mia. She was so kind and so gentle. Which I really appreciated.

So she gave me a lot of details and PLENTY of information.

In the end this is how it works.

The CPC doesn't have an adoption social worker. So what they do is send the girls to an area adoption agency.

There are so many more details, but basically if we went with another agency we would be in violation of our current agency contract.

We had kinda hoped that we could do it as a "private" (sorta) adoption but the CPC doesn't do that because they need to cover themselves legally.

So I am disappointed. I would have loved for this to work but God so obviously shut the door.

He shut the door and so I am gonna walk away. I trust that God has a plan.

I quote this song a lot but the lyrics that really get me are:

"Whatever it takes

I trust You completely
I’m here in Your hands
If You need to break me"

Update!!

Yesterday my Mom called me and said " You need to call Uncle Jon" (thats my Moms oldest brother who is a Pastor in West Virginia)

I was like umm ok Why?

She went on to tell me a few details and gave me his number.

So I called...

My Uncle has been asked to serve on a Crisis Pregnancy Center Board.

On Monday he was at a meeting and they said that they have 2 young ladies that would like to give their Babies up for adoption.

He said that he thought of us.

The problem is the office won't be open again until Monday.

So Uncle Jon is going on our behalf Monday to get some information.

It's kinda a long - shot!

At least thats what I keep telling myself.

I don't want to get so excited and then be super bummed when it doesn't work out.

I THINK>>>> I am so excited because this is the first glimmer of hope we have had since we've been approved.

I really believe that this could work out BUT I am trusting God.

Here is what would make it so great....

1. It would be QUITE a bit less expensive and we wouldn't need to gather anymore funds.

2. My Uncle lives there so if we had to go stay we would have a place to stay.

3. We would have a BABY!!!!!

I might be crazy! teehee!

THIS IS NOT ABOUT ADOPTION..... I DON'T THINK

God has been moving in my heart for months. This will come as a surprise to some of you.

I have been mentioning here and there about my passion for youth ministry.

It's been a fight... a literal battle for me.

Those of you who know me well know this about me.... I am an ALL or NOTHING girl.

That sounds awful but works out good if you are on the all end of things.

I would rather do it myself than ask for help.

I would rather wait to the last minute and work under pressure.

I would rather not have anyone give me advice on how to do something.

I would rather run a program all by myself and get to the end exhausted rather than trust someone else with my plans that they MIGHT mess up.

So when I say God has been working in my heart for the last few months.... I really mean the last 27 years.

I am selfish and I try to do everything myself and then when the bottom drops out, I don't gently step back.... I give up.

I stop everything!

I go wait wait I can't keep up with this so I am not going to do anything.

UGH!!

Just thinking about how that sounds makes me cry but its exactly what I do. I could sit here and spend hours trying to figure out why I do it but the truth is simple.... I am so selfish.

I care about my needs and wants and when they aren't being met I give up.

So this is where I am at...

I am ready to jump back into youth ministry hard core....... but my amazing husband is keeping me on a leash so I don't jump too far.

I am ready to be a voice for the fatherless who don't have anyone speaking out for them...... but I have a friend holding me accountable that I don't let my passions over take me again.

I am ready to start making changes that rock our world and our church...... but I have a Pastor who isn't afraid to tell me when I cross a line.

So God is moving in me and I can't wait to see where HE takes me!

Missing pieces.

I hate not blogging but I really don't know what to say.

I have been working on crochet projects and stewing up fundraiser ideas.

I am keeping myself busy and ignoring my blog because I feel bad that I don't have anything to update.

I feel bad that people have been so generous and this is your journey as much as it is ours but still...we wait.

I literally have no news.

I talked to our SW and she was so sweet and kind. Reminding me that she had said "once the paper work and approval is done, the easy part was over".

So I know that waiting is the hard part.

I am gonna be clear.... I really thought it would be a whole lot easier.

I thought..... God knows and He will give us a Baby at the "right" time.

I still know that.....

But sometimes I get lost in the idea that our Baby should be here and I should be loving him or her already.

Thats kinda funny to me "I should be loving him or her already"........ I am loving that Baby already I just want to love him or her in my arms.

ANYWAY!

I guess I am just a Mommy restless because I want to take care of my Baby.

Ok onto my other thought...

I have kinda taken a step back from Youth Ministry because, well, I was tired.

God has really been pressing on my heart about it.

I miss my kids!

I miss the talks.

I miss telling them what they don't want to hear.

I miss the laughter.

I miss that teens actually make sense to me.

I miss taking my camera to Youth Group.

I miss inside jokes!!

I miss showing them what real life looks like.

I miss not being afraid to just be myself.

I miss that when God allows me to teach them.... They actually teach me!

I just miss it!

All Part of His Plan!

It would be so easy to write a blog about how we need $9,000 and how I am not sure where its going to come from. BUT this is not that blog!!

A friend of my Moms has a quilting shop and she wants to donate a % of her earnings in February to us. A truly sacrificial gift. I have flyers and info. to come!

Also every couple of weeks for the last few months, someone has been mailing us $50. Another sweet blessing! ( Who ever you are, If you are reading this.... THANK YOU!!)

Sunday some dear friends came to Dave and I and asked us if they could help us plan a Spaghetti Dinner. Another kind encouragement! We have never felt alone in all this and I know we aren't alone now!

So many donations and gifts have brought us to this point so Praise and Honor to the GOD we serve!

He is not finished here!

Maybe you think I am crazy but I truly believe God is going to provide the funds and we will not have to take out a loan.

We serve a BIG BIG God who is really into details!!

I am excited to see what is going to happen next!!

WOOT WOOT!!