What happens next?

I have finally figured out what my blog series until I turn 30 is going to be about.
BUT this is not that blog.
I have had these thoughts pressing on my heart and I have to get them out.
By now, everyone is aware of friday's elementary school shooting.
This breaks my heart for those kids and parents. I cannot even begin to imagine that kind fear and pain. I truthfully pray that I never do.
The last few days I have been waking in the night thinking of these little tiny people and their parents.
I have been pleading with God for the last 2 months to break my heart for what breaks His.
WOW! Tell me please that this doesn't break His heart!
I know it does.
So as I lay awake at 3:30 every morning I keep thinking "God, what is it that You will have me to do?"

This is what hit me in the face this morning!

We are lazy!
We have a million and one excuses why we can't change anything!
Based on history, when revival has happened in this world it has been with youth or "younger" people. Well, what does that mean exactly?
I think it has given us "older" people a reason to say "Well I am not in youth group anymore so I can't be a part of that." And the "younger" people say "well I am too young!!"
GRRRRRRR!!!
NO!
I am not too OLD to impact someone for the cause of Christ. And youth: you are NOT too young!

Here is what it comes to:

If we, as adults, don't press or encourage teens and children to be more... who will? For real! We are waiting for God to do an amazing work but we aren't letting Him use us.
If you have considered working in youth or children's ministry or with teens and children in any realm and haven't because you are scared or think you don't have anything to offer.... this is my challenge to you....
Get over yourself! You can't complain about this generation if you are completely unwilling to help them learn more. REVIVAL is in their reach but they need someone to light that fire in them! THEY NEED YOU!! And I know its scary. But after spending 8 years in youth ministry one thing I KNOW is true is that they want you to love them. They will put up a wall and try to push you away... PUSH HARDER!!! Show them that they are worth fighting for. LOVE THEM!! Please.

Teens: STOP WAITING FOR SOMEONE ELSE TO DO IT!!!
You know better than anyone that GOD needs to be in your school and if you aren't willing to bring Him back there, who is? Stop waiting for someone else to come with you. Would that be nice? Sure. But the truth is that for the rest of your life you will have to stand for what you believe and you may have to stand by yourself. DO IT!! Stop waiting. I know that you sit in your classrooms and wonder about all the kids. I know that you swear and try things to fit in. I know and I am not mad at you... I was there once too. STAND UP! Be DIFFERENT!!! When everyone else is walking one way.... TURN AROUND AND WALK AGAINST THE CROWD!! You are unique and you have all the fire you need inside you to win this! The God of the Universe LOVES you! HE will NEVER leave you!! STAND UP!!!

If you don't feel like you fit into any of these areas, this is my challenge to you:

YOU are probably in the first group! So do a serious heart check and consider yourself and what you can give or truthfully maybe give up.

If you still don't think you fit, this is what I want you to do:
PRAY... and praying at home is just as powerful but my challenge is to pray at a local school. Even if you just sit in your car for 2 minutes in the parking lot on your way to work. PLEASE PRAY. Go to your local school/schools and pray for them. The teachers and students. Pray that God would press on hearts inside that building and that God would stir a revival in THAT school.

God is so big and I have kept Him in a box for far too long and made Him look like what I want Him to.
He is REAL and ALIVE ! He loves us. He was willing enough to send His Son to die for us .... I can humble myself and make some sacrifices for Him.

I am currently working on a plan of what I am going to do to impact our teens and our community.
Please pray and consider what God would have you to do.

GIFTS!!

Sometimes I have to just start writing nothing before I see where it is that God is leading my heart. I have to be real honest...
I know God is teaching us but I don't have ANY idea where He is taking us.
And I suppose I don't really need to know.
I mean what fun would that be?
Where would we find adventure in knowing exactly what was going to happen?!

So something you need to know about me...
I LOVE presents!!! My love language is gifts! I love getting gifts and I really really love giving gifts.
BUT
I HATE surprises! I know this makes no sense but stick with me.
I was that kid who snooped around before Christmas because I could not stand to wait.
I ruin SO MANY of my husbands special things for me because I ask a million questions.
( I do feel bad about that)
I hate waiting.

So all these "things" happening in my life...
It is kinda like a giant present from God that I am not allowed to open.
Not gonna lie.... totally sucks!
I know it will be worth it. I am SURE that its going to be FANTASTIC... but I really want to snoop and see :)
So apparently God is teaching me to wait and be patient.
Still learning :)

What Christmas looks like ...

I have always wanted to be that mom who had these special traditions for my kids. Special things that they will always remember.
This last year or so our world has had so many changes. GREAT changes!
Changes that have made me take a good hard look at what we do and why.
What we spend our money on and what it could be better spent on.
That being said...
What I really want for my boys is these few things:
1. That they understand that Christmas is SO not about them.
That this time of year is to remember our Savior and all that HE has done for us.
2. That they would learn to be generous. That at this time of year and ALL year they would remember that there are others who have so much less and that they are truly blessed.
3. That they would know how much their parents love them. That we give them gifts and treats so that they know that we treasure them. That God sent His Son to die for them and we are SO SO thankful for a God who loves them even more than we do.

So Christmas is gonna look a little different at our house. I am gonna spend the next few days coming up with creative ideas on how to instill these few things into my boys heads and hopefully hearts.
We do the Advent Calendar which I LOVE!!
But I am looking for any other ideas.
What do you do with your family?
Any ideas you wouldn't mind me using?

It's time to let go... And let God.

You know that moment when you just aren't sure what in the world God is doing? When you are SURE that He was leading you a certain direction and you were totally trusting in Him for guidance and answered prayers... But then He turns everything upside down and you sit there wondering what in the world just happened?
That's where I am!
See almost a year ago we put our house on the market. We were sure that because it was our largest and really only large financial burden ( at the time) that we should sell. Giving us more funds to be able to serve others better.
But our house didn't sell.
Then there was a need. So we invited some friends to live in our house. (short term)
All the time assuming that God was going to sell the house.
Now we are moving back in.
WHAT?!
Yeah I know... that's what I said.
What do you mean you want us to move ... BACK...IN?
Are You serious God? Because I am fine with it but now I really have NO IDEA where You are taking us.

All these thoughts have just dumped into my lap in the last few days.
Here is the truth of the matter.
We wanted to sell our house so that we could better serve others.
Then God called us into another ministry.
Then we realized we can barely afford our house.
So we begged God to let it sell.
Then we had people "renting".
So we rented an apartment and thought ok this might work out.
Now we are moving back into a house I LOVE but can hardly afford.

I am chuckling because I should be scared out of my mind.
But all I keep thinking is that I am about to see a miracle because there is no humanly way possible for us to do this. It is going to be Divine and I am super excited to see how it goes down.

So I am letting go... And letting God.
Please pray my attitude stays this way *wink*

It's been a while

Ok ok I know you have missed my rants about this and that and my updates about adoption or the things I am passionate about...
It's coming! I promise!
See, God has been working in my life and deep into my heart reworking who I am and almost everything that I know.
That being said; I am on a mission to be out loud for God's glory.
I posted on my facebook a while back about how in July I will turn ( dum dum dum) 30! Eep!
The thought of it scares me but I want to embrace it!!
SO ~
I want to come up with some sort of challenge for myself.
I could do weight loss or how I have recently decided to be Gluten Free but I feel like that is stuff I am going to talk about anyway...
So here is what I think. There are 36 weeks until I turn 30. At the 30 week mark I am going to let you pick what I blog about.
Every week I will ask for suggestions and every week I will pick one of them to write about.
So ANYTHING!! Seriously I want it to be something that challenges me.
It can be silly or serious, but something that you want to hear my opinion on.
What do you think?
Feel free to start suggesting ideas. I am going to print them all off and put them in a bowl and draw them at random... that way I can't control it.
Can't wait to hear what you come up with :)

The infatuation of my life that lead me to the man of my dreams.

So I am going to try my hardest to write this blog as frankly as I possibly can without hiding the facts because I am or was ashamed of my behavior.

So I guess I should start this out like a story...
That might make it flow from my mind a little easier :)

Once upon a time there was a little girl.
OK thats gonna get old fast....
When I was about 10 I SWORE I had met the man I was going to marry!
As many little girls do I fell head over heels into this childish crush.
This young man was older than me and worked for my father. So I LOVED going to work with my Dad ;)
Well, my childhood crush quickly turned into a border line stalk fest when I was in my early teens.
I was certain that if he saw me, he would fall madly in love with me and we would ride off on his horse into the sun set and live happily ever after.  Awww sounds sweet right?

Well! When the reality that our age difference and the fact that I was really the only one attached to this idea hit... I was heart broken.  But I quickly brushed in off to what girl hasn't had her heart broken in Junior High.

Here is where it gets messy.

After my ( AWFUL) junior high years were gone I was wavering in my faith and was well lets just go with a tad rebellious *wink*.

See this guy that I had just fallen head over heels for, he was willing to look past my rebellious spirit.
He was one of the very few that had not just pegged me for a "bad kid" and was willing to look past the wall I was putting up and fight for me.

It was great to have someone who would just listen to me. Someone who wasn't afraid to stand up to me but was also willing to stand up for me.

Our friendship grew and all though I am certain I added a LOT of drama to his life we realized somewhere along the way that we had become friends.

It was great! He was still working for my Dad and I would spend hours with him at the store just talking and laughing or playing jokes on each other.

Talking about music or him helping me study as he rolled cinnamon rolls or waited for a pie to bake off.
He very truthfully was my best friend. I had lots of friends but this friendship was one of the ones that made me realize that not everything was about me ( thats a whole different blog).

It got bad when I took my childish feelings and attached them to this friendship.
See he had to love me right?
I mean we talked everyday.
We were each others secret keepers and we weren't afraid to be honest with each other.... thats what a dating relationship looks like right?

WOW~ What I can see now but could not see at 18 was that I was infatuated with the idea of the relationship.
I honestly thought if this wasn't Gods will someone would stop me right?
I mean the doors are supposed to slam closed and I am supposed to know for sure! BLACK AND WHITE..... YES OR NO!

This is the part that twists my stomach in knots just thinking about.
I was so convinced that this was the right thing to do that I was not listening to ANYONE!
People HAD told me!
I was so lost in my selfishness that I was unwilling to listen.
Situations had changed and doors nearly literally had been slammed closed but I knew what I wanted.
I was so unwilling to let go of this idea/relationship.

I can not even remember who but someone around that time told me that " I needed to let it go and if it came back it was meant to be but if it didn't then God had something better for me".

I can still remember how I felt. SICK! Like someone had just kicked me in the face. I couldn't possibly let this go. He was my best friend and that wasn't wrong so I could still hold onto it.
Convincing myself over and over that my feeling were normal and healthy and anything but SIN.

I wanted what I wanted and I wasn't going to let ANYONE talk me out of it.

Then I went to college and things got a little crazy.
This guy had moved onto a new venture in his life and was not spending as much time at my Dads store. I was away at college and we hardly ever saw each other let alone talked to each other.
You can read about my short yet life changing college experience here.

It wasn't to long after that, that my eyes were very clearly opened to my selfishness. God allowed me to wander so far away from Him that I was in a very dark place. God was so faithful that He kept shining a constant light for me. I grabbed hold of what I could and took off for the light.

God used some amazing friends and family to influence my life and EVERYTHING changed.
I was ready to let go of all of my past relationship and SO NERVOUS to move forward to another relationship BUT GOD had plans for me.

HE opened my eyes to the man of my dreams who had never wavered in his faithful friendship to me.
Now (BIG SMILE) depending on who you ask you will get 2 different stories. But I told Dave I was interest in him and he was all "umm I don't know" " maybe".
Which is fitting for his analytical personality.
But on May 3rd 2003 he brought me to the foot of the cross at BaYouCa and asked me to be his girlfriend. Dave had already asked my Dad without my knowledge and I was THRILLED.
I hadn't even realized that I had wanted a guy who would do that!

I prayed so hard that God would help me to keep my eyes WIDE OPEN. That I would by NO MEANS make this relationship about me.
God blessed!
Dave and I were engaged on Oct. 1st 2003 and pledged our love and commitment to each other in fronts of nearly 300 friends and family on March 6th 2004.

It has been a journey but I guess the point I am trying to make with all this is that if you want something bad enough you will convince yourself that its right. You will put blinders over your eyes and not let anyone convince you otherwise. My caution is that if you are a child of the King, He will not allow His children to live in sin. He will do WHATEVER it takes to teach His children.
But when you are obedient to Him, He will never leave you and give you the strength to face whatever it is that He puts in front of you.

Don't fight with each other, Fight for each other!

I have be struck with a thought based on a conversation I recently had.....

When did we get so worried about judging others?

Like someone says/does something wrong and brothers and sisters in Christ come around them and say.... "yikes! Are you sure thats what you want?"

ALL OF A SUDDEN they are judging you!

NO NO seriously NO!

See that's what the Body of Christ is for!

See HE created His beautiful bride the church and HE created the accountability that is inside it.

By NO means am I saying its easy....

Oh boy, I have had my share over correction from other followers of Christ who love me enough to not fight with me but to fight for me!

Let me say that again... this isn't judgment this is Loving each other enough to not fight with each other but to instead FIGHT FOR EACH OTHER.

To love your brothers and sisters in Christ enough to say the things that might be tough.

To stand up and say "Friend, I love you. I believe this behavior is against what we stand for in God's Word but I am here and I am willing to fight this battle with you"

Wouldn't you rather have people around you who love you enough to give you a kick in the "pants" rather than people who just ignore the problem and let you continue to be miserable?

The more I think about it I am certain some of you are reading this and saying " but I am not miserable... I am the happiest I have ever been"
This is my response to that thinking:
We choose whether or not we are going to live for Christ or live for ourselves.
Not everyone may think the way that I do but when someone I love is making dangerous choices I am will tell them 1 maybe 2 times... after that my way of fighting for them is to lay it before the Throne and let the God of the Universe take care of it. ALWAYS being willing to let Him use me.

Please don't misunderstand this is NOT a soap box rant about how I know how to handle things better than someone else.

THIS IS a soap box about how we have moved so far away from scripture to satisfy our own desire that we don't even recognize it anymore.
I know that I have moved dangerously away myself and I truly pray that I have people in my life to love me enough to not let it happen again.

I guess that is what I am trying to communicate ( I may be failing *wink*) this is not about judgment because that is God's job, this IS about accountability and thats God's role for us.
Matthew 18 wasn't set up just for fun. This is how God designed us to take care of each other.

Jaxon

I could not have imagined 5 years ago how madly I would love a tiny little boy. The moment  they put him in my arms for the first time my heart melted. I knew I would love him forever but now 5 years later I am overwhelmed with the amount of love I have for him.  Everyday I love him more!
So I am going to blog about the day I fell in love with my first born.
It was Wednesday May 16th 2007. My due date was May 9th so needless to say I was ready!!
We headed to the hospital because the Dr. had decided that I should be induced.
We spent the whole night with mild contractions and monitors on my belly. Early the next morning they started to pick up.
By 11 am they came to break my water.
Shortly after 1pm I was having what I thought were terrible contractions.
My nurse (who was sent from God to be there with me) wasn't so sure that I needed drugs. Although I tried to convince her otherwise. So as they always do, she came in to take my blood pressure. The cuff got tight and so I knew she was almost done. In a last ditch effort I asked one more time for pain killers. I remember it so clearly. She looked at me and smiled. She never released the air from the cuff and she started it again. IT WAS SQUEEZING ME SO HARD!! I wanted to scream.... Finally I said "OUCH!!!"
She very sweetly and calmly said " Sweetie, if that hurts more than the contractions then you don't need pain killers yet".
I wanted to cry but she was right. I didn't even realize what I could handle until I HAD to handle it.
I really do believe God gave me that specific nurse.
A few hours later I knew the pain she was talking about :)
I got an epidural and honestly, when it was time for me to have it, I wasn't sure I wanted it. BUT
against my gut I got it anyway and it was a good choice.
We quickly realized that I wasn't going to progress any further and at 5:00pm my Dr. came to say that I was heading to the OR for a c-section.
Everything is kind of a blur... I remember Dave watching me and watching them perform the surgery and back to me (so many times that the nurse thought he was dizzy and made him sit down).
At 5:49 pm I heard his sweet little cry ... Well, it wasn't so little! :)
They cleaned him off and showed him to me briefly. Jaxon was making some grunting noises that made them nervous. So he was quickly take to the NICU. I was taken to recovery. Dave was waiting for me there and we quickly agreed that I was fine and that it would be best for him to go to Jaxon.
My mom came to sit with me and I remember bawling that I just wanted my baby.
A short while later Dave came back and reassured me that Jaxon was just fine. They wanted to observe him but that apparently he was just a grunter ( those who know him well know he still is).
FINALLY, around 9pm they put him in my arms for the first time.

I was SO scared! Scared to be a mom, scared I would do something wrong. As a matter of fact I cried when Dave's mom and my mom went to leave. I told them they had to stay because I didn't know what I was doing.

And now here we are 5 years later. With that very same laughing, giggling, silly, grunting little boy and I am so madly in love.

Jaxon,

The day you were born I was so scared. God used you to teach me how to take confidence in the God of the Universe. Every night for A LOT of nights after you were born I would pray myself to sleep just repeating " God I trust You, God I trust You".
God used you to teach me how to trust Him more.
Daddy and I stood up before our church and promised to do our very best to teach you how to be a good godly man.
I know sometimes it seems like we are always on your case about obeying the first time you are told but Jaxon, we love you so much and we want you to understand the love of God and how He loves you so much more than even Mommy and Daddy do.
Jaxon~ We will love you forever and we are so excited to see where God leads you. We can't wait to see how God develops your sweet spirit and strong confidence.
I love you so much more than I could ever write.
Forever and Ever!!
Mommy

Secret Stress... No Friend to Me.

I have these thoughts that I have to get out before they quite literally kill me.
Many of you know that I have RA (rheumatiod arthritis).
It doesn't typically affect my day to day unless I get stressed out.
When I get stressed I get these horrible flare ups. So bad that it makes it difficult to do my everyday tasks.
Well I have a flare up now and truthfully I was like " I am not stressed out". Yes, there are plenty of changes going on in our lives but we asked for them. We are happy to be serving God and I just didn't understand because I didn't "feel" stress.
This morning as I was reheating the cherry pit pillow for the 3rd time since 4:30 this morning I realized something.
 See my stress has been my secret. Almost as if I was keeping it a secret from myself.
I really want our house to sell but I know God has it under control.
I want terribly to move closer to Dave's new job but I get the fact that we move in God's time not ours......
Here's when it smacked me in the face... I know all of that and I believe it.
I just hadn't given it to Him.
I know we need to sell the house but I haven't given God our house to sell.
It's as if I was holding it tightly in my hands going "ok God do what You want with it" but I wasn't letting it go.
It's ironic really.... the pain I am having is in my shoulder. It's as if God as a parent is kinda putting that little squeeze on my shoulder to guide me the way He wants me to go. As a mom I know that move too well.
:)
I smile at the idea that God is not just the guide in the sky He is real enough to lovingly guide me, even if that means a little discipline.  I don't think I have ever enjoyed discipline so much. My shoulder really hurts but it almost feels worth it when I realize that God loves me enough to come so close as to give me pain to teach me to be more like Him.

So when you want to secretly hold onto your world... just remember who you are fighting with.... He can't lose... I wouldn't want Him to.

He loves me anyway!

I LOVE, ADORE, HOLD ON TO SO TIGHTLY that the God of the Universe loves me despite ALL the wrong things I have done.

I am not above or beyond anyone. God loves me even though I have made HUGE mistakes. Even though I have wasted so much time seeking my own desires. HE LOVES ME ANYWAY!!

He loved me even when I turned away from Him...

Ok this is when it gets really out loud....

*Background*

I grew up in a christian home. Not to say that we didn't have issues, but my parents offered me a moral compass. I attend christian high school. I was active in our youth ministry.

My faith was real but it still felt empty.

I remember it clearly. I was 18 and I didn't really fit in with the youth group kids anymore.

This place that I had called home for SO LONG suddenly felt empty and lonely even though it was filled with people I knew.

I walked out of the service and as I pushed through the doors I remember clearly thinking that I was never coming back.

I was going to walk away from this faith that I had known for years because it didn't "feel" right anymore...

I am not kidding. This is not a joke...

I was completely serious; I was done!

I walked out onto the porch and a dear friend grabbed my arm.

I don't have any idea how he knew.

But he said " Hey, I have been meaning to ask you... do you want to serve in youth ministry?"

I remember laughing at him.

I told him he was crazy and all I could get out was that there was no way I could go back to lead!

He convinced me to give it a chance.

What I didn't know then is he might have been just asking me because there was a shortage of leaders and he was desperate.... BUT GOD... see God knew that this faith I had carried for years was off. God knew that my faith had no feet. That I was there... but I hadn't ever served.

In that moment God used this friend to open my eyes to the fact that it's not about me at all.

See, it didn't matter how empty or sad I felt inside that building. What mattered was that I started to serve.

What's even more amazing is as I began to serve God kept placing me with people who I thought I could NEVER love.

God trumped me over and over that IT IS NOT ABOUT ME!!

This is not to say that I don't still struggle with my selfishness.... but thankfully God has placed some pretty amazing people in my life who love me enough to tell me when I am wrong or to question my motives.

Everyday since then has been a journey. A journey of God doing what He does best.... bringing me to a place where I am reminded that I am here to serve Him.

When I finally stopped living for me.... He showed me how amazing it is to live for HIM.

What God can do in 18 months.

Ok so it has been a while since I posted and I don't know where to start.

Over a year and a half ago God started changing my life. What's funny (not "haha", more interesting) is I really thought I would come to a place where I would "get it" and be done.

The idea of that literally makes me laugh now.

I have learned so much in the last 18 months. God has broken and rebuilt my heart.

I am so excited to learn, and more than anything, I am excited to be used by Him.

I was content that I was a pastor's wife and that was enough. Then I was really convicted that my faith had no feet. I believed and was emotional to God's leading but I didn't let it move more than my heart.

I am so pleased to be the feet now! Man, I am not kidding! The blessings that come from going out and doing God's work is beyond words!

It is exhausting! Dave and I fall into bed every night and chuckle. We are so tired but it's worth it. The joys so so so far out weigh the being tired.

There are moments FOR SURE that I break. My human nature sneaks up on me.

HAHA... this is when Dave comes home to find me in the middle of a MONSTER pile of laundry and I am bawling. Sobbing over... well the laundry I guess.

Those moments are there because I am human but they are moments I have actually come to treasure because it's in those moments when I am crying out to the God of the Universe, pleading with Him because I have nothing left to give. Then He comforts me with " I know".

He knows that Jeanne has NOTHING left and that's when He wants me. So that the success is not mine.... It's His!

I love it.

God has been taking us on a journey and I remember writing other blogs about not knowing what in the world He was doing. It makes me sit here in tears when I look back on the last 18 months.

18 months ago we started a simple adoption journey.

18 months later... we have our son, we have changed ministries and we are selling our house so that we can continue to pursue what God has for us.

Our lives have totally been flipped upside down but I wouldn't change it for a second.

If you are reading this and want to join in on praying with us...

We want to sell our house.

This house is great but it's a pretty big financial burden for us. With out it we could do SO MUCH more for others.

Also, since we have changed ministries it is no longer an ideal location.

Recently, an opportunity to rent an apartment with a GREAT price and perfect location has fallen into our laps.... but it won't be around forever. We are praying fervently that God would allow our house to sell. If you feel led please join with us. We serve a limitless God and I am by no means going to put a time frame on Him.

Thank you so much for all of you who read this and pray along with us!

You guys encourage me so much!

One Moment that Change My Life..... FOREVER

This morning started like many, many before it.

I hopped in the van at about 7:40 to take the biggest of the littles to preschool.

After a little chit chat at the school I headed over to our car place because the van was BADLY in need of an oil change.

It went fairly quickly and I knew I had a list of things to do, so rather than go home and come back out I would just do all the running around while I waited for Jax to get done at preschool. I knew I had enough to keep me busy for a while but that I also would not have to rush by any means and I would probably end up back at the school just waiting.

As I drove to my first stop I came up on the hospital. I noticed two women standing just past the hospital. One was on her cell phone and obviously receiving bad news. The other just stood next to her. As I drove past them the one on the cell phone dropped it and began sobbing, falling into the arms of her friend.

MY HEART BROKE.

Tears filled my eyes and I was broken for her.

I have no idea what was going on but I quickly said a prayer for her.

Assuring myself that that was enough and moving on with my list of things to do.

Later after a few stops I was hopping back in the van and the song

I Refuse by Josh Wilson came on the radio...

I love the whole song but these lyrics froze me!! FROZE ME!!

I was so guilty of this....

Sometimes I, I just want to close my eyes

And act like everyone's alright

When I know they're not

This world needs God, but it's easier to stand and watch

I could pray a prayer and just move on

Like nothing's wrong

But I Refuse

I don't want to live like I don't care

I don't want to say another empty prayer

Oh, I refuse to sit around and wait for someone else

To do what God has called me to do myself

I could choose not to move

But I refuse

So you say, "Jeanne.... seriously what could you have done?" (ok maybe you don't, but let's just pretend you did ask that)

Well, I am glad you ask...

See I thought the same thing.

What could I possibly have done for her?

Then like a 2x4 to the face it hit me...

I could have pulled my van over, told her I was sorry for whatever was going on and tell her that I serve a HUGE God who loves her deeply. I could have offered to go to that God on her behalf and lay this situation before Him. And what if she was a sister in Christ and I just left her there!?

The point is I could have done something.

There is a movement of "radical" living that I am a fan of... I have loved this idea. It's pushing everyone to be "out loud" but in my moment to be radical/ out loud.... I drove away.

So this is my challenge (for me) radical/ out loud living might look like 100 different things... but for me... it needs to look like impacting peoples' lives for the love of Jesus, even when it might seem uncomfortable or out of the normal.

I always encourage everyone to be "out loud" in their faith and today I am ashamed to say that I failed.

But I am not gonna just sit here and pout about it... OH NO!!

This passing moment on the streets of my city changed my life forever.

I am motivated to ask God to PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE bring me another situation where I might show His Love and Peace to others.

Teaching teenagers ALWAYS rocks my world!

A couple of weeks ago I had the privilege to speak to about 100 teenage girls. It was a BLAST!

My message to them was about putting things before God.... ultimately selfishness.

I am ALWAYS floored by the fact that when I go to teach them....... God teaches me!

It was pretty short and sweet and to the point but the last 2 points have been pounding me in the face for 2 weeks.

The first of those 2 being that we have to " know our weapon". We read in Ephesians that the Bible is a weapon. It's our sword. I illustrated to the girls that my brother is a marine and had served his country by going to Iraq. I asked them how comfortable would I be if my brother went to Iraq having NO IDEA how to use his gun? I would have been terrified! I was anyway but it would have been so much worse if I knew that he had no way to protect himself.

That's us and the Bible! See, we have the weapon we need to protect ourselves. My brother spent MONTHS learning how to load and unload that gun. He knew it forwards and backwards. He was comfortable with it. THAT IS HOW WE SHOULD KNOW SCRIPTURE.

Ouch! It was a great lesson to teach but it just keeps coming back to my mind over and over. I have memorized loads of Scripture but how much of it has changed my life? That weapon changed my brother's life..... do I let my weapon change mine?

The second point was about accountability and wise counsel.

I feel like they are 2 different things.

Accountability is typically people in your peer group. The people who see you everyday and aren't afraid to come talk to you when things seem a little off.

Wise Counsel... these are the line backers in your life. The people that will literally knock you over if necessary. These people will risk your friendship and even their own safety to make sure that you are making good choices.

The part of this that is sticking with me, is that I have excused away the accountability.

I rationalized my behavior by saying " I am too busy" or " I have the kids and no quiet time to talk" or my personal favorite " My husband can keep me accountable" BAHAHAHA!!!

Let me explain that my area for needed accountability is diet and exercise...... IT IS NOT A GOOD IDEA TO MAKE YOUR HUSBAND KEEP YOU ACCOUNTABLE! It might work for you but it only ended in tears in our house.

So I am looking for solutions.

I need to memorize scripture and let it change my world.

I need to allow someone close enough to my life that they can ask me about my diet and exercise.

I am not sure I have a plan but I'm pressing on towards a solution.

Feel free to add any thoughts you might have :)

Just some thoughts...

Words....

I can barely form sentences to speak them, let alone write them down.

I am not sure if it's because I am tired or because God is moving in my heart again.

I was listening to some music while relaxing

"I'm weak, I'm poor, I'm broken Lord but I'm Yours, Hold me now"

I feel like these lyrics ring true for me.

I am tired, parenting and everyday life isn't as easy as they make it look on TV.

I am scared at the idea that I am not sure how we are going to pay our bills.

I am broken by the battles I have fought in my life.

BUT

I have accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior and I am so much more than a broken, scared, poor lady.... I am a treasure, a jewel.... you're laughing right? Me too... A jewel, a treasure? I don't feel that way when its 2:30 in the afternoon and I haven't even showered for the day yet. When my hair is a mess and one of my children just barfed on me.

When I am weak and broken it's in that moment when I cry out to Him for strength that He gives me all I need. He comforts me and gives me the strength I need to keep moving forward... shower or not!

Sickies!

The last few days have been well... germy.... I guess is the best way to put it!

The biggest of our littles had the "barf nasty"(that's what we call the stomach bug) earlier in the week and the littlest of the littles has been fighting a cough and stuffy nose for about a week.

I was comforting one in my arms while my amazing hubby comforted the other....... BUT then he had to go to work. Both little boys wanted to be held but I didn't want either of them to be that close to each other (in case they shared).

In that moment I started to feel really overwhelmed. I thought " AHHH NO, I CAN'T DO THIS"

I wanted to panic. I even started to!

I really started to just plain freak out.

I wish I could tell you that my first thought in the moment was to pray.

I wish I could tell you that I didn't let my frustration out a little on the kiddos.

It was when the oldest reached over to grab the baby and give him a kiss that I screamed NO!!!!!! He had no idea he was doing something wrong. He knew his baby brother was sick and he just wanted to make him feel better.

But when all was said and done I had not handled that right. Poor guy cried and that's when it hit me.... I need to relax. At that point I did pray.

I needed to be reminded that my kids will get sick :( And as much as I hate it when they're sick, God has blessed me to be in their lives and take care of them.

So so so many children wake up everyday sick and have no Mommy to hug them. No one to cradle them after they've thrown up. No one to wipe their nose and give them a kiss on the forehead. This day when they are sick.... it's not a curse.... it's a blessing :)

Maybe its all in how I look at it?

For my personal devotion time I use Word of Life's Online Quiet Time it really has been a huge blessing to me. At the end of every passage there is a commentary and some life step questions. These were this morning's questions:

LIFESTEP:

What seems bad in your life right now? Do you believe God is really going to use it for good? Will you commit to looking for the good now?

OH I was trumped! The study is in Jeremiah when 3,000 people were taken from Jerusalem to Babylon. False prophets had told them that they would not be there long but the reality was God had moved them for a reason.

So when trials come into my life.... do I believe the "false prophets" who are telling me that I have all the right in the world to be upset? OR do I trust the God of the Universe Who has brought situations in my life for a reason?

All of that made me think of a song called " The Blessing" by John Waller

In the last few days situations from my past have been brought to my attention. Things that I struggled with or insecurities I had have resurfaced.... To be honest , leaving me kinda shaken and a little bit bitter.

It seemed easy for me to recall the "old" feelings. Things I haven't had to deal with for years. That was actually the scary part. I hated how close they were to recall. I thought for sure I had buried all of that stuff.

Well, slapped in my face was the reality that I am not perfect! WHAT?! You're kidding right?! I am not perfect?

When did that happen? (haha *wink*)

I know that I am not perfect and I think sometimes we take ourselves too seriously.

I will admit that these "struggles/insecurities" of mine are something that need to be dealt with once and for all, but they DO NOT have to be as big of a drama as I often make them.

Here it is... Plain and Simple :

I make mistakes. God has used those mistakes to teach me and draw me closer to Him.

So these "struggles/insecurities" are not a curse! They are a blessing! I am thankful that God loves me enough to continue to teach me. Although the thought of being humbled does not leave me jumping for joy, it does get me a little excited to see what God is going to do next with me.

It's an adventure!

So my thought for today:

Take the trial, struggle or bitter feeling and look at it differently! Stop letting it beat you down and embrace it!

Make right with God what you must and trust Him that He has brought you to this place and time for a reason!

Ok and one more final thought!

If you go to the store today~ Look at your cash register operator's name tag... then ask them by name how they are doing today? Really, it makes them smile.... and makes you stop thinking so much about your problems and reminds you that others share this big BIG world!!

Its about to get real "out loud" in here!

My life this last year has been marked by change.

A desire to have God refine my life.

The process of purifying gold is really the best example and I am sure you have heard all the analogies.

All I keep thinking is that it has to get hot! REAL HOT! God literally has to burn away ALL of the impurities that keep us from looking more and more like Him.

What is so interesting is as a teenager I thought..." Why in the world would I put myself through that?".

I remember a specific sunday school class where I sat listening and thinking " No Thanks... I don't want to spend my life putting myself in situations where I could get hurt".

I accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior on January 17th 1991. I was eight.

At that point I totally understood my need to ask God to forgive my sins. I understood that He was the only One with the power to make my life clean. From 8 to 16 God was molding and shaping....harnessing my "envelope pushing" ideals and developing in me a heart for people.

From 8-16 some of you might remember I was a very interesting young lady (wink).

16-18 Not too many people know these were crisis years for me. At 16 I was trumped with the idea that true repentance means changing EVERYTHING in my life. It means (quite literally) laying everything I know down and walking to His arms.

I was so scared... I thought what I had loved so much couldn't be so bad, right?

God wouldn't take away the most important people in my life... right?

Between 16-18 ... My Grandfather ~who probably was the first person in my life to look right into my heart and soul and not run away scared. He was the first person (I felt) who fought for me. He was not scared of my "tough" shell. Thankfully (because my parents are amazing) I was able to spend 2 amazing weeks with him when I was 16. When I was 18 he died suddenly.

All of my relationships were changing. Friend after friend went away or we grew apart. Friends that I was certain would be life long. Relationships where I willingly gave my love away. I truly believed that these people I trusted so much would ALWAYS love me back ...right? Wrong! What I know now is that God was taking every single relationship in my life that I valued over my relationship with Him.

God was forcing ALL of these things out of my life so that I would come running to Him.

Well even after all of that ... apparently I wasn't ready...

In my 1st semester of college I was so scared and lost and felt all alone. I was 18 and everything I had ever gone to for comfort was gone.

I found myself in a couple of situations where I bought into the lies that suicide was an option. I even tried it once but quickly lost "courage" and got out of it. It was in THAT moment when I was very very scared, sitting on the cold bathroom floor of my dorm that God came and put His amazingly loving arms around me. HE gave me strength to realize that I needed to go home.

At home HE CHANGED MY LIFE!!!!

I laid it all down. I let it all go!

I forgave the hurts I had been carrying.

It was AMAZING! I was filled with so much peace. I ached to serve Him.

I wanted to do WHATEVER He asked of me! I wanted to go where He led me!

I FINALLY understood what my sunday school teacher was saying... I got it!

It hit me like a ton of bricks.

I was saved and I knew it... but I had never understood what God was saving me from and what He was saving me for.

So - That is why I am "out loud". I am not afraid to be honest because God wants honest.

Sure, the idea of bearing my soul for the whole world to see might seem intimidating, but I flash back to the hurt, the cold bathroom floor and the empty feelings. THEN I remember that I serve a God who took ALL of those feelings away from me.

HE TOOK THEM AWAY!! I don't feel empty, alone or sad!! I feel blessed beyond all measure!

This is my challenge~

If God moved in your life... be out loud! Feeling hurt, scared and alone is terrible and you could be the person that God uses to impact someone else so that they don't have to feel hurt, scared and alone.

And if you feel hurt, scared and alone... please know this... it doesn't have to be this way. I understand the ache of walking away from all you "know" but this is so much better. Put it down and walk away , the Loving Arms of a HUGE God are open for you to come running into.

God,

You transformed my life. I know sometimes I am tired of the day to day Mommy stuff and I forget to be thankful but Lord... I could not be more thankful! You took a lost scared little girl and transformed her to a woman who is madly in love with You. Lord, I want nothing but to please You. Lord, help me to be out loud for You. To boast only in YOUR grace. Thanks for loving me....Amen.

An update and remembering where we were a year ago!

Well a week ago right now I was being rolled into recovery.

I had a successful gallbladder removal.

For those of you who don't know....

Your gallbladder is supposed to be a greeny, blue color. The Dr. was amazed that mine was BRIGHT RED. It was filled with gall stones and scar tissue but amazingly not infected.

As I think about that I am not amazed at all really because my Outstandingly Amazing God knew that my body could not handle that kind of infection. See I have RA and it's an immune system disease. I take a medicine that suppresses my immune system and my body would have NEVER been able to fight an infection of that magnitude. Hmmm that makes me smile.

My fear consumed me and my Savior protected me!

So we are settling into a routine. Mommy has been out of commission and not able to do her "normal" jobs. The love of my life has stepped in and not only done all his regular stuff but mine too! He has been amazing. I adore him! Thanks Baby!

Ok so we are getting ready for our yearly Winter Retreat and I found this picture from last winter.

To explain. Our teens needed to work together to make a snow sculpture. There were a few teams and I was the judge. Well, this group made "me". They put my hat on it and I often say "yeah" which is why the sign is there. BUT my favorite part is the stroller with the tiny baby snowman in it. They were playing on my emotions because last year at this time we were waiting. It THRILLS me that this year that image of what was going to be in our life is ACTUALLY here!

Dawson is such a blessing! He is an amazing little boy. Jaxon and Dawson have already connected! Dawson lights up as soon as he hears Jaxon's voice! These are the things I dreamed of!

So to the team that made this sculpture... Thank you!

Out on the ledge comes with surgery?????

Ugh~

So to be clear I don't even want to be writing all these thoughts down but they are fighting to get out so here it goes...

Out on the ledge is a scary place to be. Out on the ledge you are at serious risk.

Don't get me wrong, the blessings are AMAZING!! Better then I could have ever dreamed for myself.

But here we are out on the ledge saying that we will trust God with EVERYTHING!

And He decides that this is a great opportunity to prove how much I trust Him by having me under-go gallbladder surgery.

Now some of you are thinking " Jeanne, Relax! Gallbladder surgery is no big deal" ... I know I know! Even still I am terrified! Probably the most scared I have been in my life.

My imagination is probably the worst part of it. I imagine the worst possible things!

UGH!!

So please pray. Pray that God grants me peace. Pray that I don't lose focus. Pray that I remember He is the God of the Universe and has TOTAL power and control and what will be, will be.

I do trust Him.

Lord,

You are my strength when I am weak. You know what my future holds and You have it all under control. Help me to trust in that. Lord, You are amazing and huge. YOU hold the tiniest details together and I am so thankful to call You Father. Lord, send Your amazing hand of comfort on these shaking, sobbing shoulders because my human, weak mind is running away with me. Lord, You have power over all things and I need You to take power over my weakness which is my imagination.

Lord, I am taking comfort in You.

Amen.