Our New "Normal"

OK well now our world is settling into its new "normal"!

I'm hoping this means I will be able to set aside time to keep up with my blog.

The bundle of Baby Boy has been occupying all my extra time. Something I have really enjoyed (wink)!

To be clear, when we first brought him home I was SO TIRED! HAHA!

I had forgotten how much work a tiny baby is.

That's why I am so happy that we have finally found some sort of routine.

Dawson is sleeping 7-8 hours straight every night, which is AMAZING!

It is really funny how a full night's sleep can change your perspective.

So~ Now we are looking to the New Year!

I am not necessarily one of those resolution kind of people, but this new year will have many new adventures for our family.

Selling the House

Dave's Position Change

Raising 2 little boys at a Camp

Moving to Camp for 10-12 weeks of the Summer

Figuring out where we will move when the house sells

All these things could start to seem overwhelming but truthfully they don't to me.

I LOVE this part!!

We have functioned in a lot of gray for a long time! Now it seems like the color is here and it looks so bright!!

I am SO SO SO very excited to see what God does next.

We are blessed beyond all measure!!

This is my final thought...

As we get ready to start this New Year, what are you gonna do?

At the cross roads when you can choose what kind of attitude you are gonna have, what are you gonna choose?

When God throws you a curve ball are you gonna duck?

My challenge is this...

Come out on the ledge and trust God. He is gonna do HUGE things and He wants to know if you are willing to come along. Let me say this, the ride is bumpy but so worth it!!

When living out loud mean leaving what you know...

This is a really tough blog to write. I haven't even started and tears are filling in my eyes.

Let's start back at the beginning.

A year and half ago we stopped sitting on the sidelines, waiting for others to make changes. We were struck with the fact that there is a need to care for orphans. We started pursuing domestic infant adoption. In that process God pressed farther. It started out as nudges but quickly became obvious to us that we have so much. So last spring we decided that we would sell our house. We decided that we were going to trust God's leading. God brought it to our attention that we are too comfortable. That we have a house and a warm place to sleep every night and that there are children without these basic staples. These children are going to sleep at night with empty bellies and empty hearts. It broke our hearts. So our plan is to sell our home and downsize. To rent an apartment because, to be frank, equity has no bearing on eternity.

At this point I was like "Ok God... You are done stretching us now right?"

He wasn't.

Late in the summer we were asked to consider a new position. Which would mean leaving our "normal", our "comfortable".

It would take this jumping out on a ledge thing to a whole new level.

After LOTS of prayer and wise counsel we have decided that this is God. He is moving us.

So last Monday evening Dave accepted the Assistant Director position at Camp BaYouCa.

BaYouCa is like a second home to me. It is where both Dave and I have made most of our life changing decisions. It's where we met :)

I couldn't be more excited!

But in the very same breath; so sad to leave what we know.

Our church has been a HUGE support system for us.

Now not much will change. We will still attend Faith. We will continue to be Youth Leaders. Things are just going to look very different.

I think what this comes down to is change.

Change is scary and unknown.

So here we are again. Out on the ledge saying "God, we are ready. We trust YOU"

To all our friends and family at Faith,

Please know that we are not done yet! We are still a part of this with you. God is getting ready to do HUGE things with you. You have been our home and a huge source of strength for us. You are our family and we love you. We don't plan on leaving all that :) Our role will look different, but our passion to see God do something in our church will not change. We love you all!

And here is my prayer.

Lord,

We love you! Lord, You asked us to trust You and hold on. You called us out to this ledge. I am not going to lie and say that it's not scary. Lord, thanks for the blessings. The first time You called us to the ledge YOU gave us Dawson. Lord, he is an amazing baby boy and everyday I fall more and more madly in love with him. Thank YOU for bringing our boy home to us.

Lord, this move is intimidating and a scary thought but we trust You. We know that You are not done yet. Lord, You know how much we love BaYouCa. You also know that BaYouCa is at a crucial point. You know all the details. Lord, we are holding on to You so tightly. You know that I am not afraid to live out loud but it's scarier when I think of our tiny boys and how much this will dramatically change their lives forever. Lord, I want our boys to know that Mommy and Daddy love YOU enough to step away from comfortable. So Lord, I am gonna close my eyes and leap. Dave and I love you so much Lord. We are gonna gather our little family up and leap into Your safe arms. Lord, we trust You.

Thank You for moving us and changing us. We are Your servants. We love You. Amen.

A few thoughts and a tiny soap box!

It has been WEEKS since I have had a chance to sit and blog. A lot of things factor into that. We only have 1 laptop and its normally with the Hubbers. We have also been pretty busy getting back into the routine that includes a tiny baby. I haven't minded that at all.

I had forgotten so much about tiny babies. I was surprised what came flooding back to me.

All that to say I wanted to update but also blogging is a nice break for me. I love to sit and just type out my thoughts.

I don't even know where to begin... So when you are done reading this and you go "that didn't fill me in at all"... write a comment and I will do my best to answer any questions you might have.

As far as adoption stuff...

We had our first "unsupervised" meeting with the Birth Mom and it went great!!

We met and had icecream. I can't even explain how great it was.

She was there with some family and friends. We just sat and talked and took turns holding the baby boy.

A few things happened that night that made me sure we had made the right move but the one that brought me to tears was...

As we were packing things up to leave, Jaxon was starting to cry and he very calmly and tearfully said " Goodbye Dawson". Despite our best efforts to explain everything he was still really confused. As I reached out to comfort him She (Birth Mom) reached across and put her hand on his and said " Dawson is YOUR brother, he is going home with YOU'' .... Not gonna lie I was choking back tears.

I needed her to be the one to comfort Jaxon's fears. I needed to hear those words from her and truthfully I think she needed that situation just as badly as we did.

It was a great evening!

I have really been thinking a lot about open adoption. People as a rule just don't seem to understand. I wish I could snap pictures of the faces people have made when we explain our situation.

I don't want to get up on a soap box. So I am gonna keep this short and sweet.

If you decided to do a domestic infant adoption, undoubtably you would have some fear. You would ask questions like " Is she still ok with this?" or " Is she gonna change her mind?"

You think you won't ask questions, but trust me you do!

Ok so wouldn't you rather have open lines of communication where you can send her a text or email and say " Hey I was thinking about you today and just wanted to see if you were alright"

To which she replies and is open about her thoughts and fears but is so thankful that you are still talking with her.

I am not saying that it's not scary. I am not even saying that you will have no fear. What I am saying is instead of having to guess how she feels you can just ask her.

For US... there is no better way. I LOVE our Birth Mom she is amazing. She is intelligent and funny. She adores Dawson and Jaxon. We are truly blessed.

I understand that not every situation will be like ours. I know that it's different with every adoption but I think when you go out on the ledge and trust God... He will open your eyes to the design and joy of open adoption.

OK~ So that was a tiny soap box!

Now on to other things. We are keeping plenty busy getting things together for the Christmas Season!

Jaxon has been asking a lot about Christmas and why we celebrate it. Which brings true joy to my heart. I think he is really close to coming to a place where he accepts Jesus as his Savior.

I have so much more to write but at this point I am drawing a blank.

I have planned on a series of blogs that I would really like to write so I hope that will be soon.

So be patient with me, as I adjust to this new "normal"

How my life compares to an iphone :)

God.

He is big.

He is personal.

He is around us.

He is what keeps our hearts beating and lungs breathing.

God.

Big... Really, Really BIG and into little tiny details.

I love that about Him!

I don't even know where to begin. As I sit here 1 day away from the 2 week birthday of our Baby Boy! I am amazed. I am blogging and he is sitting quietly in the swing just watching me.

God is so Good!

I haven't really had a chance to sit and process everything. It might have something to do with the tiny bundle of baby boy who is limiting my sleep ;)

So in the last day or so I have been really thinking about what it is that God really wants me to share.

So I am gonna back up to where we left off.

In my last blog I was watching the Birth Mom make one of the hardest decisions of her life.

I felt torn between true hurt for her and my desperate need to love on my little boy.

That was the "kicked in the face" feeling.

I wanted so badly to wrap her in my arms and promise her that I wasn't taking him away. I wanted her to know that I am committed to my friendships and that her's would be one of the most important of my life. I wanted to comfort her.

She on the other hand~ She wanted to show him off to me. She wanted me to soak him in but I was so torn. It was obvious from her face that she was too.

So that was Tuesday.

Tuesday night the man that was made for me knew exactly what I needed. We got take out and went back to our hotel. We got all snuggled in some cozy clothes and well to be clear.... I cried... A LOT!

I choked it back for a while but God was the one hitting me in the face.

Like saying Jeanne, THIS IS WHY YOU ARE HERE!

Wednesday morning we got a call and we had a plan to go get our Boy!

12noon we met the SW and got to hold our little guy.

The rest of Wednesday was a blur. They told us that basically we were just babysitting until the papers were all signed. That evening some AMAZINGLY supportive friends stopped in to see us.

I can't tell you how helpful that was. Basically, I was giving Dawson all the care he needed but not really soaking him in, like not really saying "mommy or daddy"... Mostly, because I was so afraid of the phone call that would say she had changed her mind.

Thursday we headed to sign papers.

Thursday evening was the best part.

I don't want to give too many details because some of this I want to save just for Dawson.

What I can say is ...

If you are involved in a domestic adoption and you have a chance to have a "Blessing Ceremony" DO IT!!

I was a little nervous at first but basically it was a time to read scripture and just bathe the whole situation in prayer. We are truly blessed to have a Birth Mom who knows Jesus Christ as her Savior. So these moments together were truly a blessing.

Friday morning we got things tidied up in our hotel room expecting our Moms and Jaxon to arrive shortly.

The plan was that they would bring Jax down and stay a night or 2 before heading back. We were told to plan on being there for a week at the very least. Friday afternoon we were going to head out to dinner and my phone rang and it was our SW she said " In my career it has NEVER gone this fast. In less than 24 hours you guys were cleared to go home"! My jaw dropped! I think I might have shrieked in excitement but you will have to ask my mom for sure :)

So we spent the night and in the morning first thing we packed up and headed home.

Our loving church family arranged for us to get meals. HUGE HELP!

So a week ago I was just getting home and feeling a little (haha) overwhelmed. Wishing desperately that Bethany was still living here ;) ( that's my shout out to her) We miss you girl!

Now I am sitting here snug in my nice warm house soaking in my TWO boys. Trying to enjoy every blessed moment I have with them. Teaching them to be "Good Godly Men". This is a phrase we use a lot in our house.

So here is the silly but interesting part. A thought was triggered by this old song I heard. It was talking about a new version of ourselves.

The thought hit me...

I am currently like the iphone3. You laugh but stick with me...

The iphone3 is pretty amazing. It has a lot of capability but still has some kinks that need to be worked out. So it is upgraded to the iphone4. The iphone4 worked out some of the kinks from 3 and has even more capability. But the people over at apple aren't done working yet. They have a lot more to do and the more they open up the iphone4 the more they see what they will work on next.

I know this probably seems silly to some of you , but this is how my mind works.

God created me. And because He loves me, He still sees the areas of growth in my life. The thing is, I am capable of so much now but I am capable of so much more if I open my self up to my Creator and just let Him show me what it is that He wants to do to make me better.

I never thought I would be in a situation with a birth mom still in the picture. As a matter of fact I was so scared of the idea that we originally told our SW no we would not consider open adoption. That was the iphone3 talking.

Now we have an adorable baby boy in our home and birth mom who I just adore. That's the iphone4. Now I am beginning to wonder what the iphone5 is like?? hmmm.

Filling u in!

Please forgive how scattered this sounds. I know I need to get my thoughts down but I am still sorta processing them.

I am not sure exactly how to start.

I guess by saying that this is NOT what I expected.

Yesterday was a LONG day!

It started with us having to emergency update our home study.

Thankfully we have the best SW in the world. Who got up at the crack of dawn to come to our house so that we could get on the road.

We got on the road!

It felt like it took days but 3 1/2 hours later we made it to the hospital.

The Birth Mom's SW met us in the lobby.

After a brief potty break we headed to go see our Boy!

Seeing her again and holding him for the first time...

Let me put it this way,

when you decide to do open adoption you prep yourself. You run over every possible scenario in your mind but EVERYTHING changes when you are in that room. It is totally different when you look into her eyes and you see the love for your child. You feel her ache and you want to just hug them both. No one preps you for the fact that you have to watch someone mother your child.

I was NOT expecting that. I was not expecting to feel like I just got kicked in the face.

As I sit and process all this information based on yesterday, God reminded me...

It was like a still, gentle voice saying,

Jeanne, I have this under control. I have been here the whole time. This hurts you because I want you to understand her sacrifice. I want you to taste just a sample of what she will feel for months. Jeanne, I love you. And I told you I wouldn't give you more than you could handle. Jeanne, do you think I have left this situation? Jeanne, I am everywhere and this adoption is important to Me. ~ God

LOL I know that God doesn't "speak" to us but I do believe that God brings realization to our hearts. Last night as I was crying and aching to hold my new born son GOD reminded me that this never was and never will be about me. HE reminded me that He led us here and He isn't about to leave us.

So, Dave and I ordered chinese and pizza and curled up in our hotel room and just soaked it in.

After a good nights sleep and some serious prayer... I woke up this morning reminded that nothing has changed. We are still moving forward.

So, here is the update!!!

At 12 noon we will go to the hospital to get our amazingly adorable chubby cheeked (they are so squishy) Little Boy!!!

Tomorrow we will go to the adoption agency at 1pm to the sign the papers that will make him legally our son!! Woot woot!

Tomorrow evening we will see the Birth Mom and her family again as we take part in an adoption blessing ceremony. We will spend some time in prayer together.

So tomorrow evening I will have pictures to POST!!!

Dawson is perfect!!!

It's gonna be close!

WOW!!

So taking a nap on this cuddly, snuggly wet afternoon and our SW calls!

I yelled for Dave thinking " Woot woot she is in labor"

RAH!

She is not in labor yet!

The SW called to tell us that our homestudy runs out on Oct. 30th

That becomes a problem because we are crossing state lines. If the Birth Mom doesn't go into labor like TODAY it could really change things.

I am not one to rush a baby out of his cozy comfort BUT eek in this case we gotta get a move on.

So I am asking for Prayer!

Pray that the Birth Mom goes into active labor tonight or tomorrow, so that at the latest the Baby is born Sunday and then the State people have 1 week to get everything done.

If for some reason that doesn't happen we will have to stay back and have ANOTHER home study ($1,800) on tuesday before we can even go see him! UGH!!

So~ PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PRAY.

I don't want to think the worst but if its not done in time Dawson will have to be left in interim care and we will have to come back to NY without him until the whole thing is settled. Ugh. I know he is close and I know he will be well taken care of BUT I am praying for a miracle.

Please join us in prayer.

Thank You!

Lord,

So You have moved and blessed and controlled this whole thing. You know the details and You know whats coming next. I am so thankful for the overwhelming amount of peace You have given me. Lord, I know that You haven't left us and You are still faithful. My prayer is just that Dawson would come tonight, tomorrow or Sunday. Lord, I am not done trusting You and I know You will prove Yourself mighty however You see fit. Lord, we trust You with Dawson.

Amen.

It's 4:30AM and I am WIDE awake.

This isn't too out of the ordinary. I often wake up a few times in the night.

Tonight is a little different. I am awake and my stomach really hurts.

So instead of laying in bed and fighting a battle of sleep (that I won't win). I am going to take this time that God obviously wants me awake, to pray .... and blog.

God,

Thanks. You have brought us so far. Now here we sit just a few days away from going to get our new little boy. Who would have thought it? In a year from when we started the process.

You Lord, You are so so good. I just want to say thank You.

Even now I am comforted by Your love. You have wrapped Your loving arms around me and this little family. You have guided and opened our eyes to things we might have never understood.

Thank You for opening our eyes. Thank You for letting us be one of the families that You bless with adoption. Lord, You have used adoption to change us and mold us, and although times have been tough and I am SURE we will have more tough times ahead I am confident in You. I hold tight to Your Righteous Right Hand. Thank You Father. Thank You!

The BEST part of the journey!

Here we sit just a few days away from the due date of our son. I know we are being prayed for!

The peace is just so great. I am confident that God is holding, guiding and molding in this situation. We are about to embark on the part of the journey that I have longed for. The part that has woken me in the middle of the night. The part of the journey when there really is no turning back. I am so excited that I am almost numb.

God has blessed in that my mind is no longer wandering on what could go wrong. I have a HUGE amount of peace in what will happen.

What I didn't expect is that satan would still try to reek havoc on our lives.

Peace was what satan was using. Satan was convincing me that God can't give me peace.

Peace I have!

Now satan is trying to distract us.

Circumstances have led us to Jaxon needing a new mattress.

So now just a few days before we are supposed to be spending a week away I am running around like crazy to get Jax a new mattress.

UGH!!!!

Not what I want to be doing! I want to be preparing for the tiny new addition to our home!

I guess to sum up it's this simple:

Please continue to pray for us. Pray that God will put satan in his place and get him and his silly issues out of my house.

Pray that we don't get discouraged. At this point we are kinda laughing it off. It is NOT what we want to be doing but this mattress issue isn't gonna make us give up now!

The idea of that makes me laugh.

We are NOT giving up!

Interesting!

I really like cute little signs.

Things that say quirky little quotes or things I need to remember.

As I was dusting today I noticed I have 3 that say the same things.

I can't believe I hadn't noticed before.

Obviously, I need to remember that Prayer Changes Things!

Humbled.

Things are coming together.

I'm starting to see Dawson's room take shape and personality.

I am sorting clothes and packing things that we will need to take.

Making plans for the week we will be away.

All the time feeling so humbled.

Like I am getting a gift I don't deserve.

I know people say all the time that adoption is an example of Christ taking us into His family.

I totally agree with that. I just think there is so much more.

See God sent His only Son for us. He sent this precious Gift. Something that even if I had all the money in the world I could not repay Him for.

As a child of the King I understood the concept but as a Mom adopting I FEEL it.

I am accepting something from her that I could NEVER repay her for. Although I would LOVE to, there is nothing I can do to repay her. Here is the joy, I can show my love to my Savior by advocating on His behalf. I can live my life as an example of His amazing love. I can share His love with others.

The same is true of the Birth Mom. I can advocate for her. I can live my life as an example to people. She is not a monster but an amazing woman who wants only to do the right thing.

Anyway maybe this doesn't make sense to anyone else, but adoption will change how you look at your WHOLE life.

God has to bring me closer to Him and "the name"

I have been so consumed by all the babyness of it all that I haven't had a chance to just sit and process things out... hence why I haven't blogged.

Also, adoption is a journey and it WILL change your life. It's interesting because some of the things that it's changing have really nothing to do with adoption.

So forgive this little rant about how God is changing my heart and THEN I will tell you his name. If you can't wait just scroll down to the bottom :)

Ok, in high school I had a HUGE problem with gossip. I mean, what high school girl doesn't?But in college I was STRUCK with how dangerous my tongue can be. At that moment in my life I changed. I had a moment with God where I prayed for strength and He came close to brush off my rough edges.

I have been "clean" of the gossiping addiction ever since. But recently God has just shown me areas where maybe I am not gossiping but I am involved on the outskirts. It makes me feel sick. SERIOUSLY SICK! God has yet again trumped me. He made it clear that I am feeding my addiction via other peoples drama. UGH!! NO!! I threw the gossip addiction away in college and I am not about to let it slowly creep back into my life.

I HATE GOSSIP. If we have something to say we don't bathe it in prayer requests... we go to the source. We need to stop hiding behind weak insecurities and make the situation better.... or better yet stay out of it all together. I am pretty sure life has enough drama of its own, we don't really need anyone else's.

Ok I know that has nothing to do with adoption but it does. See when you go out on the ledge and tell God that you are willing to do whatever it takes..... It takes Him brushing, scraping and peeling away all the things that keep you farther from Him. And I am telling you right now, when you are adopting you HAVE to draw closer to Him. Without Him this journey would be impossible.

OK~ so please understand that this is how God is working on my heart. I smile to think He isn't done working on me yet.

Now you want to know the name right?.....

Ok~

DAWSON WADE!

We picked Dawson it means "Son of David"

The Birth Mom picked Wade which means " Able to go"

We are so excited to be at this point! We are doing his room and naming him. Now my arms just ache to hold him. I can't wait to kiss his face and tell him he is SO SO SO very loved.

The Day My Life Changed Forever!

I don't even know how to begin writing to explain my feelings.
Sept. 14th 12:51pm
I was sitting on the couch.
Laughing at the fact that Jaxon wouldn't let Dave come upstairs until he had cleaned his toys up. He wanted Daddy to see things all cleaned up. ( That's my boy!!)
I had set a "special" ringtone for our SW.
Jaxon had made a trip back to his room and Dave was standing on the landing.
My phone rang and I shreeked " Dave it's her!!"
Even as I write this tears are burning in my eyes.
Our SW is one of my most favorite people in the world. She said " Jeanne, How is your day going?" I was like " umm good "(HEART POUNDING) Trying to be polite I asked how her day was, not really expecting her to answer.... she did! Finally, I was like "OK OK JUST TELL ME".
She laughed and said " Are you sitting down? She picked you guys!"
We both squealed in excitement.
At this point Dave was sitting next to me on the couch and we could hardly contain ourselves. Our SW gave us a brief explanation of what would happen next. Most of that is a blur.
We made about 101 phone calls to friends and family.
These are the facts:
Our family of 3 is now a family of 4!!
The Birth Mom is due Oct 16th.
Our Little Boy is healthy and growing normally.
So literally 1 month from today!!
1 MONTH!!
That doesn't even seem possible!!
I wish I had more details. I can't WAIT to post pictures!!
Continue to pray.
We will have to spend a week in NJ after he is born.
EEEEEKKKKK!!!
Our SON IS COMING HOME!!!!!!
I can't even begin to explain the excitement!!
Everyday it sinks in a little more.

Lord,
THANK YOU!!
You have been working on me for so long. You and I we have been on this long journey of trust.
Lord, I am so sorry that I ever questioned You. You have spent the last year taking off the things in my life that aren't pleasing to You. Although I am so certain that You aren't done yet, thank You for giving me the desire of my heart. Thank You for the blessing that the Birth Mom and this new Baby Boy will be in our lives. Lord, Thank You for picking us for this journey. Lord, I look back at my life a year ago and I am so ashamed at how selfish I have been. Lord, Thank You for making me see that there is so much more to this life than my needs. Lord, I am so glad to be called Your child! Thank You for letting me take comfort in You. You are so faithful and I am humbly coming before You with just gratitude.
Thank You Father. I love YOU!!
Amen.

Wide Awake.

It's 4:22 AM!!

Those of you who know me, are laughing at the idea of me being awake at this hour. I have actually been wide awake for about an hour now. Not sure whats going on.

I woke up after a nightmare, just to lay here (at first) in fear.

I went and checked in on my little kiddo. Pulled his blanket up over his shoulders and just watched him for a few minutes. Lately, I have just been breathing him in. Enjoying the times that he will sit with me and cuddle (VERY RARE). He is always on the move!

Then I grabbed the laptop and snuggled back into bed.

I am not sure why I am awake. I often wake up a few times a night. This has been going on for a while now. As a matter of fact I went back to when I first mentioned these feelings and you can read it here. So anyway, its pretty common for me to wake up and feel overwhelmed or just long to be up making a bottle. But this time feels different. I am not sure if it's because I know what's hanging in the balance or if God has me awake to notice something or learn something. It could be ALL these things I suppose.

Lord,

I am not sure why I am wide awake. I know that these last few days have been a test of my faith and patience. I know You are working in my heart to make me more like You, and I am thankful. Lord, I am confident in You. When this world around me seems so unsteady I take comfort in Your rock solid right hand. I am thankful to be called Your child. Lord, we want nothing more than to bring honor and glory to Your Name. We want to be a light for You. Lord, thank You for the blessings in our lives. Thank YOU for bringing us to this place and teaching us. Thank You for not giving up on this weary soul.

Lord, this is my request, You know my heart. For this child we have prayed... Lord please hear our prayers. Please bring our Baby home soon. Lord, I love You and this life is Yours to do with what You will. No matter the outcome we are still gonna serve You.

Lovingly....Amen

OK here goes...

So we got up early and got Jaxon ready for school.

We all ate breakfast and headed out.

LOL HAHA!

I know you don't want a play by play of the day so I will get right to the appointment.

Here it goes~

We walked into the meeting with a HUGE amount of peace.

I am confident that is because of all the prayers being sent up on our behalf.

We walked in and she stood and spread out her arms to hug me before I could even hug her.

This made me smile!

SHE IS GREAT!!!!!!

She had a list of questions and so conversation just flowed. She and I talked as if we were old friends. She told us a lot about her and her past. She explained what brought her to this place in her life. But for the child's sake we have decided not to really talk about that much until we have more details on whether we will get the child or if we do get him maybe wait until the child is older and can decide what he wants to tell people.

Oh did you catch the he?

Yes, Its a boy!

He is perfectly healthy and progressing along nicely.

We walked out of the meeting confident that we had said and done everything to help her capture who we really are.

So, I have decided if she picks us GREAT!! If not I have no regrets. She was a joy to spend some time with and God opened my heart to her and her situation.

After we walked out of the room her SW came out and we chatted for a bit. She said we should know within a couple of days.

Eeeek!

So all those prayers that you sent out on our behalf.... DON'T STOP!

The Birth Mom has a tough choice to make. I don't envy the position she is in at all.

We did briefly see the other couple and they looked really nice. Polar opposites of Dave and I.

So we shall see...

I really wish I had more to tell you.

All I can say for certain is that she is great and God really calmed our nerves. So thank you for your prayers & your encouragement. We'll keep you posted!

Life Changing News

Ok let me start at the beginning of this rainy september day.

I woke up this morning and couldn't find my phone. RAH! I thought... great, just great!

We were buzzing around the house trying to get things organized before we headed to Utica to see Dave's sister. I am quickly trying to make a dessert and find my phone and get everything organized. The whole time this pressing feeling on me that I desperately want to hold my Baby. I even wrote a quick note to a few friends this morning asking them to pray for my heart. Pray that God would somehow offer me some peace today.

We headed out to Utica. (without my phone). At around 11:30 I was playing with Jaxon and Dave says "ummm honey, our SW just called and she needs to talk to us".

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!! (that is what my heart did)

This is when it gets a little tricky. For some reason or another Dave had gotten the message from our SW but it hadn't brought in her number. Her number was on my phone which was MIA.

We panicked ok alright I panicked! Dave held it together perfectly. I had my Mom and Dad driving to church and turning my house upside down and then he remember that she had called him last week. So after about 20 minutes (felt like 8 HOURS) we gave her a call back............................

She said " A birth mom in NJ has had your profile for a few weeks now. She is really interested in you and another couple. She would like you to come on Wednesday to NJ to meet her. Is that something you would be interested in doing?"

We said YES!!

So Wednesday after dropping Jaxon off at his very first day of pre-school, we will make the 3 1/2 hour drive to NJ to meet the woman who will change our lives forever. No matter her choice we will walk away from this situation "new" people. She will impact our hearts forever.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PRAY WITH US.

Pray that God gives us peace as we get things together.

Pray that we trust God 100% for how things turn out.

Pray for our hearts and the hearts of the other couple. Something that has hit me today is that if she picks us, that other Mom will be heart broken. Pray for her.

Pray for the Birth Mom. Pray that God grabs a hold of her heart and she is given extreme peace with her choice.

And this last one is for me.

Those of you who know me well, know that I struggle with insecurities. Pray that I don't fret over how I look or what she thinks of me. Pray that I can just be consumed with the love of God and do nothing but pour that out on her.

Ok so for now that's all I've got.

I wish I had details and maybe after talking to our SW I will know a little bit more.

All I can do is just BEG that you take our little family before the throne.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!

Pray that I don't get too excited. It might be late for that....on second thought pray that God will protect my heart.

Change of Plans.

So here it is.....

We are going to pursue an open adoption.

If I haven't explained this part of the adoption before please forgive me.

So when we decided to adopt with Bethany Christian Services we signed a contract saying that we would agree to a semi- open adoption meaning that we would send pictures and letters once a month until the Baby is one and then once a year after that. Semi- open can also include having an email address that is for just you and the Birth Mom.

The next level up is Open but it would mean once a year (maybe twice) we would meet in a public place with the Birth Mom. Open can have a really wide range from yearly visits to the extreme of her being your babysitter.

When we started this journey we were pretty set on the fact that we DID NOT want the Birth Mom involved very much. We were so certain that she would just make an already difficult situation worse.

This is when God stepped in and showed me how completely selfish I was being. I had painted her to be a villain. The reality is she is scared, lost and so in need of someone to show her the amazing and forgiving love of God. This hit me pretty hard. I am constantly talking about offering grace but here this situation has been in front of me for almost a year now and I have been so blind.

So, after talking with our SW she gave us a book to read and a video to watch. My life is changed! These Moms that I have pegged as monsters aren't at all. They love their Babies. They don't want to give them up. They want their children to have a great life. They want a family that will keep them safe and give them all the things they need. They want life for their children. She is not a monster or a villain. She is a scared, lonely Momma.

When I think of her that way it changes EVERYTHING. I want so badly to wrap my arms around her and tell her I love her. I want her to know she is loved. I want her to know that I PROMISE to do everything in my power to take care of the gift that she gave to me. I want her to know that she is a blessing and a treasure. I want so badly for her to know the consuming and amazing grace of my Savior.

I am not going to lie.... the idea is terrifying. But the idea of leaving this woman on her own scared out of her mind makes me sick. So I will face the fear. I will face the fear so that she can feel love.

All that to say...

Today we will tell our SW that we would like to change our adoption plan to open.

Pray with us.

I don't know yet what it will exactly look like. I won't know until the Birth Mom picks us and we meet.

What I know is that we serve a big BIG God Who is not limited by my fear.

Risky?

I am not even sure how to start this blog.

I guess let me start by saying... This life is not our own. Dave and I have been hugely convicted by that.

This summer God has started pressing on our hearts. Well, to be clear He has been for over a year now. But this summer He started showing us how selfish we really are. How we don't need all the things of this world.

I was very convicted that we as Americans live like kings and queens compared to others around the world. I was "smacked" in the face that these people are not just glimpses you catch on tv or the bum begging for money on the side of the road. They are hurting and need to know the love of God.

Up to this point we have not been able to help in any extraordinary ways. Mostly, because we have to support our life style. THAT is going to change.

This last week I cleaned out everything "extra" thing in this house. I did this for a few reasons. 1. We just don't need so much. Even with half my possessions I still live better than most people in Africa.

2. It will make it easier when we move.

We have decided to pack up our things and move to my Uncle's. This will free all of us up to be able to give more to those who are in need. This will open doors for us to be able to adopt again or give towards others who are adopting.

I know this sounds like we are going crazy. I know you could be reading this and thinking we are insane. I am not judging you. I was you just last year.

God did this! God brought us here. God isn't suggesting James 1:27.

He says TRUE christianity is taking care of the orphans and widows.

So I was faced with some very real questions.

Am I a real Christ follower?

And if I am, am I willing to take chances to bring Him glory?

So~ Here we are selling our house. Taking chances, for His glory.

What God is teaching me.... and a few other thoughts ;)

Have you ever just had that feeling that God is getting ready to rock your world like it's never been rocked before? Yikes!

It's scary. I am constantly urging others to come to the ledge and leap. JUMP into the faithful hands of our Father. I love it out here! What I wasn't expecting was to get out away from the ledge and have so many unknowns. Don't get me wrong... I still love it out here. There is so much peace in knowing that God doesn't need my help but He wants to use me. I love the fact that I don't have to fear because He is faithful and He has a plan for me.

The unknowns are intimidating. So tonight I sit on this cool evening taking stock, making plans, preparing my heart for what might come next.

I secretly am hoping that this "change" that God is preparing is our Baby. I am praying fervently that we will get a call soon. Every time my phone rings my heart skips a beat praying that it's our SW.

Our life has kinda been a little "nuts" the last 3 weeks.

First was TLC where God stunned me with yet again my selfishness.

Then we spent a week at BaYouCa (I co-lead a puppet workshop) and God floored me with how much He loves me and reminded me that I am a princess. Not just some random person but a chosen one.

Then we went to Kingdom Bound... This is when God reminded me that I am not alone. God showed me that the Body of Christ is huge and that I need to stop trying to do everything on my own.

I know this should all be "normal" stuff that I should know but the truth is I obviously forgot because God needed to remind me and man I am SO glad He did!

To use my earlier analogy... I think I was away from the ledge and content but looking back at the ledge and wondering if it would be safer on the ledge. The reality is that it probably is "safer" on the ledge... BUT that is NOT who I am. I (by God's Grace) am not the girl that sits back and lets others do it. I am the girl that runs 100% to the battle. So I am taking my eyes off that ledge and putting them back on my Heavenly Father.

Please pray because I am confident that satan will hate that. So in a sense I just strapped a target on my back. I am comfortable with that because I know that God will protect me, I just know that this means things could get ummm a little bumpy.

Please don't forget to pray for the BirthMom. I know her heart has to be breaking. Pray that God wraps His loving arms around her, even right now in this moment so that she knows she is not alone.

Thanks Friends! I couldn't do any of this without YOU!

LOVE from the heart!

Birthday Thoughts.

Tomorrow I will turn 28.

I chuckle a little at the idea of being 28.

Mostly, because as a little girl playing house with my cousins I never wanted to be anything older than 25.

It's funny to think about how my childhood house playing has influenced my real life.

I wanted to be married : check

I wanted to have kids: check

I wanted to cook dinner with a beautiful yellow apron and an umbrella (parasol) over my shoulder: nope! LOL

As I sit back and relax taking a stroll down memory lane, I think about all the things I wanted. All the things I SWORE I didn't want and all the things I have.

I did NOT want to marry a pastor or a farmer. teehee

I went through a faze when I only wanted to adopt kids. ( that makes me smile)

I remember wanting to be a race car driver or a mechanic.

So here I sit on the eve of turning 28.

I am married to the man of my dreams, the love of my life.

I am the mommy to a sweet, crazy, sorta silly little boy.

We are adopting a blessing into our home.

I serve in ministry with almost my entire family.

Who could ask for more?

I AM BLESSED!

Sorry no updates on the adoption. Still praying to hear something soon. We are gonna keep serving while we're waiting. Please pray with us. Pray our Baby home soon!

My fits are so similar to my 4 year olds that it's scary!

I very truly wish I was writing to say that the SW has called and we are headed to get our Baby :( I just can't.

I am reminding myself that we aren't doing this to satisfy our selfish desires. We are faithful to the journey of adoption because God is so in love with these children. We are committed because we love Him so much that we will take as many children as He wants us to. So this really isn't about me at all.

As I sit in sessions and workshops the truth that just seems to be resounding is that when it's hard I CANNOT GIVE UP!!

This isn't just about adoption it overflows into ministry and parenting. When the going gets tough in ministry you CANNOT just throw your arms up and walk away.

The same is true with parenting... for example when my beautiful little boy throws himself to the ground and screams NOOOOO!!!!!! In that moment my human response would be "ok get out of here" but I CANNOT run away from parenting.

What has hit me is that when adoption isn't going the way I want .... I can't throw myself on the ground and scream NOOOO!!!

Isn't it funny how my sin is often the same as my 4 year olds. Instead of crying over the fact that I can't have ice cream, I am crying over the fact that my Baby isn't here. Both are just as sinful.... what I would explain to Jaxon is that he can't have ice cream right now because he needs something good for him first. So then this Mommy sits almost ashamed that I am trying to tell God when I need something. I chuckle as I write that. When I think of it that way I really just need to shut up and let Him have control.

GAH!!!

Well. All you who read this blog... I start out with the plan to write something to encourage others but usually end up learning about myself and what I need to work on. teehee! Thanks for reading.

Don't tell anyone I struggle with selfishness....shhh!

I feel like I have started a blog like this before BUT here it goes...

I am an expressive so my "mood" is based a lot around my circumstances. This can be a great thing but it can also be a bad thing. It is so great when I am around passionate people or in intense situations. It's not so great when I am tired or feeling kinda down.

What's great is in my almost 28 years I have learned what usually triggers these down kinda moods.

This is probably not a news flash but it struck me pretty hard..... Are you ready for it?

Ok it's my selfishness. SHHHHHH!! Don't say it so loud. I don't want people to know that I am selfish! HAHA!

As if I could hide it.

One of the joys of wearing my heart on my sleeve or living out loud is that I can't really hide how I am feeling. So usually with me you know exactly what you are getting.

This also gets me into trouble sometimes. I struggle with staying out of things. I want to make things better so even if I am not asked I will often give my opinion.... because of course I can make this situation better.... Yup there it is again.... SELFISHNESS. I think I can make it better.

So what's next?... do I take comfort in my selfishness and hold onto it? Or do I throw it down and crush it? ... I have to be clear... the idea of throwing away my selfishness scares me... what is God gonna have to do to teach me to get rid of selfishness? ... HOW will He have to teach me? Isn't that kinda funny? ... I want to get rid of my selfishness but I am holding onto it because I am scared at HOW God will teach me to get rid of it.

What if I just got rid of it... maybe he wouldn't have to teach me some hard lesson if I would just listen the first time I was told. OUCH! Those of you who know me well, know that I often say to Jaxon " You are a first time obeyer... you should obey the first time you are told" YIKES... guess Mommy needs to practice what she preaches.

Just some random thoughts! Thanks for reading.

No News on the adoption front... still praying and waiting.

PLEASE PRAY WITH US.

Ok so here I sit.... somewhat in awe of what God has done. We have been so truly blessed. I posted it on my facebook but want to document it here on my blog. A few days ago, Dave took our walk-a-thon deposit to the bank and basically we had made a deposit and hadn't recorded it. We needed $13,600 for placement and about $3,000 for legal fees and just a little extra in case we have to travel. $17,600 is what we have in our Adoption Account!!!

God has blessed us indeed. I am so very humbled.

Here is how you can pray now. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PRAY for us.

We are planning to pray everyday at lunch that our Baby will be home soon. To be clear we pray all day everyday but we would like a specific time when we all come before the Lord together. So we are hoping you will join us in prayer around your lunch time.

Here are a few specific things.

That our Baby comes home soon. This Mommy is aching for her Baby. There is a Big Brother here who can't wait to have someone to play with. There is a Daddy here excited to hold his new Baby in his arms and show it the love of The Father. We are ALL starting to feel the missing piece in our home.

Pray also if you will for the birth family. This is a huge part of what is taking our process so long. These families are hurting and have to make a really difficult choice. Pray that God would give them peace.

Please pray for our SW she is such a great person and I am so thankful for her.

Ok Baby, We are ready for YOU!! Come home soon!

We miss you and love you very much!

Can't wait to hold you!

Love Always,

Daddy, Mommy and Jaxon

Walking to change lives...

It went GREAT!! The adoption walk-a-thon was a blast and God truly blessed!! We had a great turn out. Before I tell you how much $$ we made I HAVE to tell you about the blessings God showed me today.

1. A few of my dearest friends sacrificed their entire saturday to come help out and that was a huge blessing. Mostly because a few of these girls know me so well that I don't have to talk and they already know what I am thinking... that comes in really handy at events like this. SO that was a HUGE blessing.

2. The people who came to walk. Sacrificing themselves and their time to walk (in really hot weather) to show support for us.... even as I sit here tears are rushing to my eyes. I have talked about this before but this adoption process has humbled me. Who needs "things" when you have the gifts of friendships like these. So friends came from Norwich, Binghamton and other cities offering their time and money.... again THANK YOU... we are so humbled by you. Thank you.

3. I can't even tell you how many people came up to me today, slid money into my hand and said " I don't want anything I just want you to know that I adopted and I think this is great" others said things like " I was adopted and I think this is amazing". I had mixed feelings about it at first like please don't give me any attention but as soon as I looked into these people's eyes I saw right into their loving hearts and we instantly connected. This is a God thing because recently I have felt a little bit like " nobody gets it" (which I know is satan's lies). But I love how the God of the Universe knows me well enough to give me what I need and what I needed was to really connect with people who have felt it. People who have picked it up with their own hands and held it close. I can't explain how encouraging that was.

4. I know that I will forget some people so I am not even gonna try and list them all but I know that many people were praying for us today... we felt it! The weather was perfect and we had a great day. It is truly a blessing when you can feel God's people bringing you before the Lord. He answered your prayers.

Ok so you are like ..... great Jeanne .... now tell us how you did.... Ok

Well our goal for today was to make $3,000 so we made $3,001.55

Explaining how we got to that amount is kinda funny and to be clear; from that money we have to pay for the chicken BUT that leaves us about $400 from our goal. $400! WOW I am in awe as I look at that number. So what this means is now we have ALL the $$ needed for placement and most of what we need to cover legal fees. Our Baby is closer to home!!!!

I posted a few pictures on my Facebook wall you can see them here. Sadly, things were so crazy that I didn't get pictures of everyone. So... those of you who were there take a picture of you and your family in your shirts and send them to me... please.

Overall... This was a great day! I can't even explain it. God moved and it was a blessing to watch this day unfold.

To the many of you who helped out and/or served THANK YOU!!!!! We could not have done this without you. We are so very thankful for your friendships.

Ok... I am going to bed... I am so very T I R E D.... but its a good tired.

How comfort has rocked my world....

I wonder sometimes if I am just saying the same things over and over just in different ways.

I think some are expecting me to write about our upcoming walk-a-thon but if you want details on that you can go here.

Although the walk-a-thon is coming up fast and very important, it isn't what I need to talk about.

Here it is...

I am sitting comfortably on my hand me down couch. We just finished a very filling dinner. My little boy is playing quietly on the floor with toys. My hubby is taking our working van to a graduation. This seems like such an average night at home BUT as I sit here I am humbled. I am blessed beyond measure and to be frank I feel sick. I am sick at the idea that I have so much. I hate the idea of starving people. I feel sick that today I had to throw away a zucchini because we didn't eat it fast enough. It literally turns my stomach that my 4 year old says "Mommy, I don't like this food". Now I know that he has no understanding that there are kids literally starving for his scraps. That actually makes me more sick because I haven't taught him that yet.

I feel terrible that I will be 28 in a few weeks and it has taken me this long to understand that God has called us to so much more.

I am just beginning to truly understand how HOLY God is.... How great and powerful He is and how much He doesn't need me but that He graciously wants to use me.

What do you think?

How long can I sit comfortable before the guilt consumes me?

I can't just sit back and do nothing but the steps I am taking just don't seem like enough.

Anyone else feel this way?

Waiting for Dad to get home.......Eek!

Have you had those days when you wake up in the morning and you know that TODAY you want to change things up? Maybe it's my personality. I don't like to just sit in normal. I wonder sometimes if its me running from me or running from facing my sins or failures. See if I have a day to just sit at home and relax I almost force something into the day.

I have learned in teaching a class that you have to ask a question and wait for an answer. Sometimes it has to get really quiet maybe even awkwardly quiet, so that the students have time to process thought.

This is kinda what I am talking about here. God (the teacher) has the question out there and instead of me sitting quietly to ponder the question, I fill my day full of noise so that I can't look and think about the question.

You may think I am crazy for not just enjoying a day off. Maybe I am.

So now the question is "What kind of questions is God asking, that have me so scared to listen"?

Truthfully, I haven't taken a lot of time to listen so I am not really sure. I just have this poking at my heart to evaluate my roles as wife, mother, daughter, friend and youth leader. This poking seems to have me consumed with guilt that I am either doing something wrong or its just time for me to grow and change a little more.... again.

The purpose of me being so out loud with this is accountability. I have had a great conversation with a dear friend about being real with our sin.

So here I am saying that I LOVE the God of the Universe. I trust Him completely. Sometimes when He is ready to make changes I feel it coming. LOL It's kinda like a kid who has gotten in trouble and mom says "just wait till dad gets home" Eek! So here I am waiting for Dad to get home. He is going to teach me and I know that He cannot allow me to have a sinful attitude so I will get discipline because He loves me enough to correct my wrong behavior.

It can be scary but I just want others to know that I am not gonna keep running. I am facing it head on today.

So..... pray for my fears

pray that I sit and listen

pray that God allows peace in my soul

pray that I take comfort in His timing.

Thanks for helping me live out loud.

My Plan....wanna give it a try?

I had an RA (rheumatoid arthritis) appointment today. GUH!

I am not too upset but a little disappointed.

I have been on a chemo therapy for almost 4 years now. It's not an extreme dose but still it's a CHEMO THERAPY!

So I have been trying my hardest to correct my RA with diet. I have found a few things that really help.

No Red Meat

No Peppers

No Eggplant

No White flour

No White Pasta

and new to the list has been...

No Sugar.

Well I have done pretty good on cutting back on the sugar, until this week.

So when I went to the Dr. he basically said I have 10 weeks to prove to him that I can correct my RA with diet.

He is pleased with my overall progress but it really needs to be significant in order for it to show up on the blood work.

So in 10 weeks I need to lose some weight, drop my sugar intake and have proof of lower inflammation in my blood work.

After ALL that.... he will lower my dosage again.

So here is the plan.

I am going to do this 7 day diet for R.A.

I am going to give it a try and see how it works. Anyone brave enough to try it with me?

HAHA its ok if you are not.

Just FYI this is not one of those fad weight loss diets( although you will lose weight) thats not the purpose of this. The purpose is to really give you a healthy cleansing diet for 7 days in hopes that you will feel the over all effects and change your life style as far as eating.

Seriously, no pressure but if you are willing or interested just let me know. ;)

Sad yet Blessed.

Ok so I want to take a few minutes to explain where we are at with all the adoption stuff.

I am going to try my hardest to do this without sobbing but to be honest I have been choking back tears for most of the day.

Last wednesday as I was spending my traditional afternoon with my sister Jess... my phone rang... I have songs assigned to specific people and the song was " Arms wide Open" by Creed. My heart jumped into my throat because I knew it was our SW. We talked for a few minutes and she explained some details of things that we needed to get together. Then she said "I have gone back and forth on whether I should tell you this or not but there is a birth mom and she has 4 profiles and you are one of them."

Our SW is so great! I can't say enough how much I love her. I believe with my WHOLE heart that God designed for her to work with us. She wouldn't give me any details about the birth mom or the baby. She was protecting me from getting too attached.

I thanked her for telling me. I explained that it was comforting to know that we were being looked at. It was a blessing to know that we are still moving in this process.

Today as I was working at the market Creed started playing on my phone again. My hands started to shake as I reached for my phone... knowing that this was either a yes or a no. I could tell instantly by her tone that it was a no. I was so thankful for her not telling me any of the details. Although this really stings it doesn't hurt quite as bad as it did last time when I was attached to a specific child.

So as I left the market I prayed "God I need some encouragement and I know my commute home is not long but please give me something to remind why I am doing this" and I kid you not this song came on the radio:

Here Goes by Bebo Norman

Never got anywhere
By running away
Never learned anything
Without a mistake

Never loved anyone
By playing it safe
It's a long way, but
I'm right here now, so

Here goes nothing
Here goes everything
Gotta reach for something
Or you'll fall for anything

Take a breath, take a step
What comes next
God only knows
But here goes

I don't wanna turn around
And wonder what happened
Never lost and never found
Are one and the same

I wanna run across the battle lines
And take my chances
Not the long way 'round
When I'm here right now

Here goes nothing
Here goes everything
Gotta reach for something
Or you'll fall for anything

Take a breath, take a step
What comes next
God only knows
But here goes

What good is chance not taken?
What good is life not living?
What good is love not given?

Here goes nothing
Here goes everything
Gotta reach for something
Or you'll fall for anything

Here goes nothing
Here goes everything
Gotta reach for something
Or you'll fall for anything

Take a breath, take a step
What comes next
God only knows
But here goes
And God only knows
But here goes

I love those Sovereign God moments when He knew EXACTLY what I needed to hear.

So to be frank.. I am sad. My heart hurts and I hate how this feels but every single one of these hurtful steps has brought me closer and closer to the heart of the God who created me and instilled this love for the fatherless in my heart. So yes I am sad but I am so blessed.

When Guilt is good.

This is what I think...

Ready?

Ok I think I have this pattern. I am very ummm let's go with passionate. I have a problem sometimes being a little too pushy and maybe that can come across as intimidating. So when I am in something; I am 100% in it. If I don't feel like I can give 100% then I either don't do it or I only half heartedly do it.

God is educating me. The last few days I have been consumed with guilt because I realized this pattern. As you already know I am an expressive personality so emotions motivate me. I would not usually say that guilt is a good motivator.... but as I think of it more, I am beginning to think that when guilt comes from God... I need to look at why I feel guilty. I feel guilty because I have done something wrong. I did something wrong and so I need to make some changes.

I need to lay my life out in front of me and look at my priorities.

I need to process and make sure that the roles that God designed for me are my first priority.

THEN ... I need to look at my passions and pray to the God of the Universe to show me where HE would like my "extra" attention to go.

Those of you who have adopted or are in the adoption process; I think you will understand this but I feel as if I look through everything with an adoption filter. Adoption is right in front of us. Truthfully, when we started this process, I was very confident. I didn't realize that it would be so exhausting, pressing, heart wrenching. Which will make my last blog (here) make more sense.

Am I willing to face some really hard questions? Like how far will I go? Is there a point where I will give up?

I WON'T!

I think the deeper we get in this process I realize that God is planning and preparing and needed to rebuild my will. He needed to bring me to a place where my priorities are in order before He can bring our child home.

It's humbling how much He loves me.

How she has changed me....

Oh my... How our world is about to change forever.

I have put off writing this blog for weeks.

See God started stirring in our hearts the need to love the fatherless long before we started this adoption process. Actually God started moving in my heart years ago but little did I know what was happening.

So about 12 or so years ago I met this amazing little girl. She and her friends were passing notes across the aisle at church. I didn't know then who she was but little did I know only a few years later she would become a part of my family.

This amazing young lady has had troubles and trials. Things in her life that I would never wish on anyone. My heart broke with hers.

As I grew to know her I realized for the first time in my life what it might have been like to have a younger sibling. I hurt when she hurts. We have spent hours laughing and crying.

Then we made our decision.... We decided that this lovely young woman was a treasure, a precious ruby so valuable that we could just not let her go. So we invited her to come live with us. For the past 3 1/2 years she has been a staple in this house. Jaxon loves her. I wish I had pictures of the 2 of them sitting on her bed. Either reading a book together, playing Ipod or just simply talking.

A week ago, we watched as we let this precious part of our life, walk down the aisle to the man of her dreams. We watched her walk down that aisle knowing that she is not coming back home. I can't even tell you how many times since then that Jaxon has asked when she will be home.

This amazing lady has changed our lives. This amazing girl with her life circumstances is what opened our eyes for the love that should be given to the fatherless. So... 12 years ago God started moving in my heart when I met this little girl who has now turned into an amazing, compassionate woman. Thank you Bethany. Thank you for being a part of this little family. We are gonna miss you around here. I already miss you.

Roger, Thank YOU! Thank you for loving her. Thank you for making it easy to let her walk down the aisle. It was easy to let her go knowing that she would be safe in your arms. We love you so much.

Our home is ALWAYS open to you. Keep your keys. ;)

Would you?

What if God called you to do something extreme?

What if God asked you to step away from what you know?

Step away from everything "comfortable" for you... would you do it?

Would you be willing to be extreme in your love for the Savior that you would sacrifice all that you have known to show love to Him?

Would you be willing to take ridicule from people who don't understand?

Would you be willing to literally walk away from things that you love because you love God more?

Would you sell your car?

Your house?

I feel like these are the questions that God has been asking me.

Have far am I willing to go to be pleasing to the King?

Am I willing to give up all that I know to bring honor and glory to Him?

What if that means changing everything I know to be "normal"? Is that something I want.... Do I love Him enough to do it?

A year ago I would have been shaken by these questions. A year ago my heart would have hurt thinking of these things... But truthfully as I sit writing these questions I get fired up.

I would ABSOLUTELY sell my car, my house or even my hair to bring honor to the God of the Universe. I would ABSOLUTELY move where ever He would call me. I WILL be extreme in my love for Him. I WILL step away from everything I know. I WILL look at every challenge as an adventure. I WILL take away my comfort bubble for His glory.

It is scary to say things like this so " OUT LOUD" its almost like painting a target on your back but I am willing to be the target for my King. I am willing to take whatever He sends me.

This adoption journey has not just opened my eyes to the HUGE need in this world, it has opened my heart to the God that loves me and knows me by name.

So friends~ This is an interactive blog... what are you willing to do? Could you leave your "comfort bubble" for God glory? See we can't have change without people coming together and starting revival.

Wanna change how comfortable we are for God's glory?

4 years!

4 years ago on this day.... hmm well I had been laboring most of the night but my little boy was not ready yet. So ALL day I labored... ALL DAY!! I had friends and family come and see how my progress was but still my little boy wasn't ready. Due to a few complications I couldn't get up and walk around... so I was just sitting in bed... LABORING!

Finally at about 5 in the evening the Dr. decided that our little boy wasn't going to come on his own. So off we went to the surgery suite. Jaxon showed his amazing little face at 5:49. He was adorable! All I wanted to do was smooch his little face but he was taken to the NICU and I was taken to recovery. A couple hours later we both came to our room.

This first picture was literally seconds after me seeing him for the first time.

Oh how he has grown!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAXON!!!

Prayer Requests

So a dear sweet friend asked me to share a list of prayer needs that we have so here it goes.

1. For the Birth Mom~ She is scared and has to make a choice. I don't know who she is but if you are a Mom just imagine knowing you don't have what it takes to raise your child. That is a terrifying thought so pray for her. My heart breaks for her.

2. For the Baby~ Pray that the Baby grows strong and healthy. Pray that the Baby stays safe.

3. For our hearts~ Dave, Jaxon and I we all pray everyday that our Baby will be here soon and it is hard to explain to Jaxon why our Baby isn't here yet. It's hard to explain to myself why our Baby isn't here yet. Pray that we can continue to trust in God's timing.

4. For the Funds~ We still need about $3,000. In the grand scheme of things $3,000 isn't that much. We are planning another fundraiser (walk-a-thon) so please pray that everything will come together for that.

5. Probably most importantly pray that the love of Jesus Christ will be shown in ALL our actions. That because of this adoption people will see the amazing grace of our God and seek to know Him better because of it.

Thanks for praying with us.

From 5k to Walk-a-thon

It looks like we have nailed a few things down.

1. July 2nd is the official date

2. It has gone from a 5k to a Walk-a-thon.

So the walk-a-thon is a LOT easier to plan.

I don't want to sound like I am just taking the "easy" way out. I just had NO IDEA the stuff that goes into a 5K and I just don't have the time it would take. SO>>> TA DA!!

Here we are planning the first ever Coy Family Adoption Walk-a-thon.

So this is the plan:

There will be an entry fee of $10.

Then each walker will get a form where they can also have people sponsor them for every mile they walk. (All donations due the day of the walk)

We will walk from Bill Anderson's Farm Market to and through Dwyer Memorial Park (Little York Park) and then back to Bill Anderson's Farm Market.

After the walk the chicken/ meals will be ready.

Also working on a few details, like t-shirts and such. So if you are interested in walking with us you can contact my Facebook page or you can send me an email jeannecoy17@yahoo.com

Oh I almost forgot. If you have any ideas like ... "you should try this" or "I know this doesn't work" feel free to send them my way. I am always open to suggestions and would welcome the help.

We need to raise $3,000!

God is good and I trust Him .... So here goes!

5k and thoughts

So it is official we will be doing a 5K!

YEAH WOOT WOOT!!

I am really excited about the idea but I am also a little nervous.

I love organizing events, but I ALWAYS feel like I am going to forget something.

So I am going to use my blog as a place to process my thoughts and if I miss something(s) feel free to shout out!

Ok ...

Here it goes...

I need to find people willing to cook chicken. Probably 3 or 4.

For food we will need:

Plates

Forks

Napkins

Cups

A Giant Mac Salad

A huge pot of Baked Beans

Rolls?

The chicken and the mix we get from the sweet place in town.

For the race we will need:

Point Markers

Starting and Finishing Signs

...

...

...

there has to be more but I have never planned a 5k before. (eek!)

I am also thinking about t-shirts.

I think they will be white.

"open your heart to adoption" has sorta become our theme so I want to kinda stick with that but maybe design a shirt specifically for the 5k. Any thoughts?

I am trying my best to stop feeling overwhelmed... I get waves of panic when I think about ALL we have to do but it is usually quickly followed by a feeling of hope. I remember what we are doing this for and I am reminded of all the small children without parents and THEN i get all fired up and fear is the last thought on my mind.

I want to be obedient to the God we serve and do WHATEVER it takes to love the fatherless.

GOD has brought us here and when I am ready to give up (thinking He has left us) He floods my soul with peace and reminds me (yet again) that it is SO not about me.

Happy Mother's Day

I love my Mom so much. I am not going to pretend like things have always been "peachy" with us. We have had our moments... but now my Mom is truly one of my best friends. I tell her everything and I would be lost without her.

My Hubby is gonna say a few words about his Mama.

"My mom is perfect! . . . just kidding. Most people reading this probably don't know my mom. In one word, I would say servant. She goes out of her way to help people and to provide for them. She doesn't love being up front, but if that's what's needed she will do that too. She has a huge heart & concern for people. I love my mom .... and that's all I got to say about that!"

So 4 years ago on Mother's Day I skipped (ssshhh) church.

I skipped church because Jaxon was due and was not ready. The bun was still baking in the oven. I skipped because I could not handle another person asking me why Jaxon wasn't here yet. I know that may sound silly but those of you who have ever had an overdue baby will TOTALLY understand. I believe the date was May 12th and 5 days later after laboring ALL day I had an emergency c-section. Jaxon was making some funny noises so they showed him to me and quickly took him to the NICU. I was taken to recovery... Dave sat there for about umm 2.5 seconds before we said in almost unison "Go check on him"... Dave ran off and a few minutes later my Mom and Dave's Mom came to see me. As soon as I saw them I started bawling. I grabbed on to my Moms hand and said " Mom, I want my Baby". Both my Mom and Dave's Mom reassured me that he was fine. 5 hours later (the longest of my life) Jaxon and I came to our room at the same time. I finally got to see him and kiss his little adorable face. I was so proud to be a Mommy. Jaxon has been a huge blessing and I couldn't imagine my life without him.

So here I sit wanting so badly to be a Mommy again for our new Baby. It would be easy to get down in the dumps and think " What is God doing?" but I read this blog and realized that I have so much to be thankful for.

Happy Mother's Day.

Enjoy your family.

2 verses that will provide me comfort for both of my children.

When I was pregnant for Jaxon (like any first time mom) I had fears about delivery. I remember sitting at the end of my dining room table just bawling and searching Gods Word for comfort.

I was blessed to find Isaiah 41:10 and 1 Cor 10:13. These verses where such a source of comfort for me.

What I find interesting is that while I am waiting for our new Baby, God keeps bringing these same verses to mind. These verses that I literally wrote on 3x5 cards so that I could easily grab them while I was in labor are now ingrained into my mind.

So when Satan tries to tempt me to believe the lies....4 YEARS AGO God was preparing my heart and I am prepared to quote verses of truth and SHUT satan UP!!

It's comforting!

OK so .... I wish I had more to update about the Baby. Not much has changed. We are still in need of (we think) about $3,000. Eek I know kinda scary but in just over 6 months we raised almost $22,000. So this last $3,000 "should" be a piece of cake.

I am diligently trying to make plans for another fund raiser and actually have one in mind but finding a time is the issue now.

God is good all the time!! Our little family has grown closer through this whole process and I would not change that for the world. God has opened my eyes to the huge needs here and around the world. He has shown me how selfish I am and how I can live with so much less. He has been teaching me to let go of my pride and trust Him. These are ALL life lessons that I wouldn't want to learn any other way.

I am not sure what your feelings are about adoption but KNOW THIS : God will change your life forever... You will walk away a better person and most importantly a better child of God. You will look at your life and almost laugh at how ridiculously selfish you seemed. I know some of that doesn't sound like any fun... but when you think about the tiny lives God is using you to save... your selfishness seems like a small price to pay.

Anyway these are just my thoughts.

Feel Free To Suggest Anything...

I really don't have too much to say.

I have decided that I am done whining and crying about how things aren't going "MY" way.

I have to laugh even as I type that.

Seriously.... MY WAY... haha! Oh man even now I am giggling as I am writing.

What the crap was I thinking? I say crap because... for real... what kind of crap was in my head that made me think for 1 single second that this was about me?

I am humbled before the God that loves me.

I am humbled because HE chose us for this. I love that!! God placed this on our hearts and I am thankful.

Why would I EVER complain about it.

He brought us to where He wants us.

I am still not certain why.... and maybe I will never know.

I AM SO OK WITH THAT!

God doesn't need my help.

So this is where I am at....

Either we need to be given a van. LOL (I am not hopeful)

OR

We need to keep fundraising. This somewhat excites me.

I have loved organizing and planning events. It has helped me feel like I am actually doing something to bring our Baby home.

So now we are back to getting some ideas together.

ANY IDEAS??

I had a friend suggest an ice cream social...what do you think?

What about an auction?

All hope is NOT lost.

1 Corinthians 10:13 (The Message)

¹³No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he'll never let you be pushed past your limit; he'll always be there to help you come through it.

When God has something to teach me...

It's when I think I have it all together that it seems my world falls apart. Maybe it's my own fault maybe I got proud or arrogant.

Let me back up. We started figuring out how much money we needed towards the adoption and after our tax returns we were SET!! We didn't need any more!!

My heart truly jumped. I felt so blessed and knew that this was just us one step closer to our Baby.

Then.... tuesday morning

It is never good when they have to come take the car out of your driveway. I had to take pictures because Jaxon was in his glory. He thought the big truck was so great. Little did he know it was not a good thing. But in the mind of an almost 4 year old this was pretty cool.

So... wednesday we got a call from the car place and it's the transmission. It has to be replaced.

My heart broke... I knew that we would have to use out tax returns to fix the car... therefore we were taking our very first step back away from our Baby.

Even now I hate it. I am mad and I don't really understand.

I know that we serve a just, amazing God but I DO NOT know what He is doing.

I DO know that God has not left us. I KNOW that His heart is for the fatherless. I know He has brought us to this place and I know that He isn't going to leave us.

My small human mind cannot grasp what is happening.

So here is a broken hearted prayer:

Oh God,

I don't understand. I don't get it!

I really was hoping to have all the money for the adoption.

I am thankful that you haven't left us. I just wish I could better understand what You are doing.

I am fighting the feeling that all hope is lost.

Lord, please come wrap Your strong faithful arms around this little family.

Our hearts are breaking.

Lord, I never wanted to take steps away from our Baby. Please allow me some sort of comfort because I truly don't understand.

Father, please come and show Yourself mighty. Please be our strength.

Lord,

please forgive me for my selfishness. I am so sorry that I thought we had it all together. Thank You for loving me even when I screw things up. Thank You for teaching me to be humble.

I love You!